Wyn Drabble.
Our new and improved postal service gets plenty of flak and some of it is deserved.
The variations are certainly hard to fathom. I had two parcels sent to me from Auckland; one arrived in two days and the other, if it arrives tomorrow (as I write), will have taken 11 days.
I realise that you can pay for different levels of service but this seems too big a disparity.
Whether you fly economy, business or first class, for example, you still travel in the same aircraft and generally arrive at the same time.
Bing bong. Announcing the arrival of flight 123. First class passengers will arrive at 1.15, business class passengers at 1.30 and economy at 1.45. All baggage will be in Nairobi. Thank you.
While waiting for my second parcel to arrive, I found this encouraging story from Britain.
This very month, a gentleman who had misplaced the address of someone on his Christmas card list decided to hope for the best anyway. He wrote on the envelope:
Tony and Sarah Wren,
Somewhere near the sea in Suffolk.
After that he wrote, "Good luck with that, postie."
The card arrived at the Wren household within a couple of days.
Now, I'm certainly not encouraging people to be lax with their addressing, but that is pretty remarkable.
Maybe the parcel I am still waiting for should have been addressed to Wyn Drabble, somewhere near a newspaper.
I also discovered that earlier this year a similar story happened in Iceland.
The letter was to "a horse farm with an Icelandic/Danish couple, three kids and lots of sheep".
On the envelope beside the "name" was drawn a crude map with a number of roads marked and a red dot indicating the house.
The map even featured a blue shaded area which, by my reckoning, could have been sea, a lake or simply a blue shaded area.
Anyway, the letter was successfully delivered.
Another, addressed to a Peter O'Leary, also used the map method.
On the envelope was a map of Devon and Cornwall. It had an arrow pointing to a corner of Cornwall with the words "somewhere here". It arrived.
The story of the longest-known delivery is probably already well known but I will repeat it here because I get paid by the word.
The longest delivery time I know of is 220 years. In 1790, in France, someone posted a letter to an address which, in modern terms, was a two-hour drive away. I've forgotten the details, but it arrived 220 years later. Unfortunately, on close examination, the addressee was found to be deceased.
To pass the time while I await my second parcel, I have created a handy list of postal charges and conditions.
*Standard letter - $1 (surcharge applies if you want it delivered).
*Hi-speed letter - you've got to be joking (surcharge still applies).
*Fragile items - if you write "fragile" in red on your parcel we guarantee that it will only be thrown underarm. If it's the even more careful "white glove" service you want, just slip the postie $20 or a box of beers (not "lite").
*Do not write to us complaining about our service as your letter may get lost in the mail.
*Please address all mail very carefully:
Acceptable:
Bruce,
c/- a quite hilly patch near the Kaimanawas (just up from the sheep run),
You can't miss it.
Not acceptable:
Bruce,
Flat 5,
NZ 4157,
Note. If the lobby is locked please stick it under the rock just outside.
I'm not willing to take the risk of mailing this column to the newspaper as it could get lost. I'll email it so it should arrive safely. Unless, of course, the Internet is down.