I've taken the gender-neutral bull by the horns and decided to create my own political party.

The Flying Pig Party(FPP) may struggle to get off the ground - awful pun, I know - but who doesn't love the idea of a politically incorrect porker with wings and quite possibly a jet-pack?

I'm frantically working on my (wo)manifesto as I write! Rolling it out like a well-seasoned, pork belly.

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My choice of cabinet will naturally be a crucial selling point.

I will, of course, demand complete transparency when it comes to THE most important "member", the drinks cabinet.

My self-imposed DicKATorship will grant me the powers to appoint those best suited for the job as opposed to ex-flatmates.

Should I appoint a middle-aged moose or deeply depressed dingo as my Immigration minister, then so be it. They couldn't possibly do a worse job than the current one.

I will, of course, demand complete transparency when it comes to THE most important "member", the drinks cabinet.

A naturally bespoke, refrigerated piece that will house a never-ending supply of quality sav blanc and pinot gris as well as a good tequila and some specially selected liqueurs ... the difference being, it will only be funded by the top five percent of earners in the country, as will my personal helicopter, Lear Jet, Honda NSX and my pimped out(weight re-inforced) E-Scooter.

And forgive me if I declare the staff to client ratio of teachers to students to be the same as screws to prisoners.

We are, after all, talking about our most vulnerable and precious future generations as opposed to those who have already lost their way,(to put it politely, as the law requires) contributing to the enormous and disproportionate drain on the taxpayer dollar, sensory gardens and all.

Past MP's will lose all and any privileges ... no other employees, that I'm aware of, enjoy a lifetime of such rewards, let alone those guilty of repeatedly screwing the country over.


Butter will halve in price, 3 ply toilet tissue will be heavily subsidised coz our bums deserve better and Xmas products, in the name of less stress - aka mental health, will be deemed illegal to sell or promote until December 1st.

The use of mobile phones in schools and the workplace will be immobilised and common sense will be rammed down your throats as if it was the #metoo campaign.

Burqa will be banned from banks because my research tells me that the Quran makes no reference to them, thus they lose the "based on religion" argument and any phrase that is prefaced by an exclusive term like, white, Islam/Muslim or gay shall be outlawed.

To insinuate that privilege is exclusive only to honkies is offensive, no one religion or people are more significant than another, and as gay marriage is legal in this country, there's simply no need to highlight it as if it were somehow more important than a male marrying a female, God forbid ... and yes, words like God and Christmas will be as acceptable as Allah and Mosque, because equality, tolerance and assimilation are what we are all about.

Jurors will become a paid profession, based on intelligence testing, so we can be sure that we are judged by our peers, rather than a bunch of brain-dead bozos out to make some extra dosh for their soon to be outlawed synthetic cannabis.

Any, available rental housing, by law, shall first be made available to NZ citizens. Like it or lump it.

Shock, horror, parents will be expected to parent and, furthermore, will be held legally accountable for the actions of their wayward spawn.

The way I figure it, if we nip their antisocial behaviour in the bud when they're young, there's less chance the little sh*ts will end up in our costly prisons.

Ooh, and animals shall enjoy the same rights we do ... because I bloody said so.

All hail Kate the Great!

Stay tuned for further updates. Secret donations welcome.

To cast your vote of approval for the Flying Pig Party, email me: investik8@gmail.com #tellingporkies