True story! Somebody tried to blackmail me this week.

They told me I could go to the police but that it would be futile ... my cyber extorter (intelligent scum that he/she is) had masterfully covered their tracks.

Generous piece of crap that they are, they gave me two choices - pay them $1000 in bitcoin, which they termed a donation, or an intimate video and extremely personal details would be released to all my contacts.

Almost wetting myself with laughter, I calmly added adult diapers to my shopping list.

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I then thought "bugger this" and - being the outspoken biatch that I am - decided to reply to this scavenging scum.

Let me say though, the email was initially convincing. I can see how some may be taken in, especially if panic sets in and all sense of reason flies out the window.

The blackmailer presented me with a password used years ago, which was a bit concerning, but a second and third read of the digital communication revealed all the tell-tale signs of a hoax.

So I was going to have fun replying to this A-Hole.

The blackmailer claimed I had visited an R18 site, viewed its contents, then gone on to perform some sexual act they were able to remotely access via my webcam.

No specifics, of course, just innuendo.

I wish!

Trust me, I told my extortionist, if I had recorded such an act, I'd be in a race to upload it before they could and only too happy to show off my sexual prowess as a BBW [big beautiful woman]. But that's assuming I even have a webcam, which I don't - and when I did have one, I was savvy enough to be aware of remote access and covered the lens on my laptop to prevent such heinous acts of hacking.

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I continued on my rant and asked: "If you're such a great hacker, why not just hack my bank details and help yourself ... to the 34 cents that's calling to you like the siren song of a mystical mermaid.

Please, I pleaded, give me a few days to create a Givealittle/crowdfunding page - which, incidentally, you could try as another attempt to illegally gain funds as the authenticity checks are abysmal.

Can I deduct a couple of hundy for trauma counselling, I asked? You've made me a bonafide victim.

I was excited ... finally, I felt I belonged in this world.

I can hashtag, write open letters and demand an audience with Dr Phil to out you. You've done me a favour, you gargantuan gonad.

The blackmailer also went on to mention a specific number of friends they would release the footage to. Hell, I said, I'm a bloody columnist - I have no friends, you insidious ignoramus.

I tell people things many don't want to hear, which you would know if you actually did your homework, you son of a b*tch.

Probably a Snowflake ... cos the thought of a real job would be offensive.

I'm surprised their knuckles can be lifted off the ground in order to type - and don't even get me started on the atrocious spelling and grammar. I was tempted to offer them free tutoring (this hack is a hack).

I pressed send and then went online to find an "In Sympathy" e-card to mock their pitiful efforts.

I'm still awaiting both a reply and the release of my porn premier ... a horror movie in the making. LOL.