International search teams are believed to be combing the planet in the hope of finding the National Party’s missing backbone. It is understood its vertebral column was last seen during a parliamentary debate discussing whether New Zealand should put sanctions on Israel and join Australia, Canada, the United Kingdom and 147 other countries in recognising, or planning to recognise, the state of Palestine.
Although such moves would be largely symbolic in the face of Israel’s growing genocidal occupation of Palestinian land, the National Party’s spine is believed to have fled in fright at the idea it should take an immediate stand on the issue of the near two-year-old conflict in Gaza. The backbone has now been missing for four days.
One commentator says the situation is ironic: “It appears the National Party is now a shiver in search of a spine.”
Asked yesterday for the whereabouts of his party’s backbone, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon said it was a “complex” issue involving a spine under political pressure. “It’s important the National Party’s backbone makes its own decisions. It has an independent foreign policy, and it is important it weighs up seriously what Donald Trump thinks before making any decisions.”
Luxon refused to say if he knew of the spine’s current location or could confirm a global search was underway to find it. However he did offer that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had “lost the plot” this week for doing what he’d been doing for two years. Luxon did not offer a view on whether Trump had also “lost the plot” by ordering US soldiers to occupy Washington DC this week.
It is not the first time the National Party’s spine has gone missing. Along with Trade Minister Todd McClay, the backbone mysteriously disappeared as recently as two weeks ago after the Trump regime announced it was raising the US tariff on New Zealand imports from 10% to 15%.
National’s backbone has vanished frequently since the election. It was absent during coalition agreement discussions with Act and New Zealand First in late 2023, went missing in the debate over the Treaty Principles Bill, fled the country during the rewrite of pay equity rules and is known to disappear into thin air anytime Act leader David Seymour openly criticises or mocks decisions by National ministers.
A medical expert told Another Kind of Politics it is possible for a political party to live without a spine, but not long term. “If the condition is not dealt with, National could become a cowardly custard like the Speaker of the House, Gerry Brownlee.”
If National’s spine is finally found, one political commentator believes the only answer to the backbone’s ongoing and regular disappearances could be a two-state solution. “The party could keep occupying Parliament,” she said, “while the spine could hide in a cupboard under the stairs.”
Aussie PM lays wreath for Luxon’s latest poll numbers
Hipkins and Ardern to star in major conspiracy theory podcast
Former Prime Ministers Jacinda Ardern and Chris Hipkins are set to feature in a popular international conspiracy podcast called See I Told You They Had Something To Hide.
Ardern and Hipkins, along with former finance minister Grant Robertson and former Covid-19 response minister Ayesha Verrall, said they were unable to speak publicly this week to the Royal Commission of Inquiry into their government’s Covid response because they were already booked to do the podcast.
It had been widely hoped and expected that all four would publicly answer questions at the inquiry about their actions during the pandemic to help allay an array of allegations from swivel-eyed loons, morons, anti-vax nut jobs, flat earthers and fringe scientists that the pandemic was a “plan-demic”, that Covid-19 vaccines killed millions more than the virus itself and that mandates, lockdowns and closing the border did not save lives. But it was not to be.
In a joint statement the quartet said it was better to feed the trolls than to publicly front up to a taxpayer-funded inquiry like sensible people would. “We think our time would be better spent feeding wild, ongoing Covid-19 conspiracy theories on See I Told You They Had Something To Hide than front up and publicly explain what we did and why during the height of the pandemic.”
Vox pops with random people on their lunch break in a windy square in Wellington found most people thought the quartet’s decision was a disgrace. “They should show some spine,” said one man.
Winnie and the High-vis Vest: A Children’s Story
Once upon a time there was a grumpy old man called Winnie who lived in Another World, a place where he was king for life, certain types of immigrants were villains and being awake was a terrible crime.
Winnie liked to spend his time banging on about immigrants he didn’t like, shouting at strangers in the street and calling people “sunshine”. But he had to admit it had got a bit samey after 40 years. He longed to be grumpy about something else.
One day, an invitation arrived asking Winnie to join a jolly outing with some awful people he pretended to be friends with. The invitation said they were to go to a place called Wayne’s World to have an exciting ride on a special new underground train which, like Winnie’s politics, went around in circles and never seemed to go anywhere.
At first, the jolly outing seemed to go terribly wrong. After arriving at the station with his hated friends, Winnie was suddenly accosted by the man in charge of the special train. The man said Winnie was not allowed to travel on the special train unless he wore a high-vis vest and a hardhat.
“I won’t,” said Winnie.
“It’s for your own safety,” said the train man.
“I won’t. I won’t. I won’t,” said Winnie. Then he huffed and he puffed, mainly because he’d smoked 20 a day for much of his life.
Eventually, after a lot of evil trolls gathered around Winnie with cameras, he agreed to put on the high-vis vest so long as he didn’t have to zip it up or wear the hard hat, which might ruin his manly hairdo. Then he sat on the special train pretending it was his idea to wear the jacket all along.
As the train’s wheels went around and around just like Winnie’s politics, a hated friend of his, a man Winnie secretly reckoned was a bit of a twit, told the trolls that going on the train “was like Star Trek”, but it wasn’t really. It was just that the man, like Winnie, suffered from tunnel vision.
Eventually, the train stopped and Winnie took off his high-vis jacket. It had been a grand day out after all, he decided. Not only had the wheels on the train gone round and round like his attacks on immigration policy, he’d found something else to be grumpy about. “Huzzah!” Winnie cried out. Then he and his hated friends went back to Wellington where they lived unhappily ever after. The end.
Lost and Found
Found. A spine. On Molesworth St. In poor condition. Political affiliation unknown. Owner should contact Chlöe on 0800 7273 6282.
Political quiz of the week
What is David Seymour’s cat thinking?
A/ If only I was big enough.
B/ If only he was even smaller than he is.
C/ From what I hear on the street, he’s pretty unpalatable anyway.
D/ Mainly because he’s like Schrödinger’s cat.
