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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Fridays on listener.co.nz
Red-faced Labour leader Chris Hipkins says he will sack the party member who leaked an internal document describing Labour as a slick, professional outfit and a competent government in waiting.
“We have no idea which party member leaked this information, but they clearly want to humiliate Labour,” Hipkins said.
The leaked document describes the party as “totally amazing”, “filled with the most capable and brilliant MPs who sparkle in the House”, “a team with an array of detailed policy that will save the country” and describes Hipkins as a “the most gifted member of Parliament of his generation”.
The latest embarrassing leak follows another embarrassing leak of the party’s new capital gains tax policy earlier this week, and the release last week of an infrastructure fund policy that was embarrassingly light on detail.
“It’s all been incredibly embarrassing,” Hipkins admitted.
The Labour leader said despite the humiliation there would not be an investigation into the newest leak. “I’m not going to get into the speculation game,” Hipkins told media. “If we find out who it is, if they did it deliberately, then they will no longer be a member of the Labour Party.”
In a further leak to Another Kind of Politics, a party insider said the only clue to who might have committed the latest grievous betrayal of Labour was a note and some initials found on one Xeroxed copy of the internal document reading, “Approved for leaking. C.H.”
Bitter Te Pati Maori rift blamed on colonisation
Te Pāti Māori says its ongoing disintegration is the fault of Captain Cook, Queen Victoria and Edward Gibbon Wakefield.
A party spokesperson said if “these people had just left us the hell alone to begin with” the bitterly divided party wouldn’t be in such a situation now.
“The internecine fight for the soul of Te Pāti Māori is ultimately the fault of the British Empire. If it wasn’t for Captain Cook, Queen Victoria and Edward Gibbon Wakefield and all the rest there wouldn’t even be a Te Pāti Māori and therefore no Te Pāti Māori meltdown.
“Colonisation is the reason the party is falling apart.”
The claim colonisation is at fault follows revelations this week that Te Tai Tokerau MP Mariameno Kapa-Kingi has reportedly being suspended by the party but still has the support of some, including new Te Pāti Māori MP Oriini Kaipara.
Speculation is now growing that the only way to end the highly destructive rift in the party is for its leaders and Kapa-Kingi to negotiate a peace deal. However a party spokesperson said even that might not work.
“Some believe a Te Tiriti o Te Pāti Māori might be possible,” the spokesperson said. “But nobody can agree on the wording and neither side believes the other will honour it anyway.”
Luxon denies being “meat in the room” at Apec dinner
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has rejected accusations he was invited to an exclusive Apec leaders’ dinner on Wednesday to make up the numbers.
Luxon was among seven guests invited to listen to US President Donald Trump rambling on over a dinner of dumplings made with truffles and “ogol” chicken followed by “just desserts”.
Also at the dinner were several world leaders Trump is thought to dislike including Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney.
Prior to the jolly get-together Luxon engaged Trump with what is known in diplomatic circles as “hairdresser blather”, with Luxon talking about hair, golf and the beauty of New Zealand. However Trump seemed unsure who Luxon was, saying only he was “a beautiful man” and “I like your man from New Zealand”.
Asked whether he had been invited as “meat in the room” — someone invited to be just another warm body at an event — Luxon said it was not true, though he refused to comment on whether Trump had asked him to press his pants and have some more hairspray delivered to his room.
National to release full list of people it hates
National is nearing completion of a complete schedule of those it considers not worthy of time or money, the party has confirmed.
A partial list of those National despises has been released in dribs and drabs since the election two years ago, including the poor, the unemployed, the disabled, 18- and 19-year-olds struggling to find work, the sick, teachers, doctors, nurses, firefighters, the environment, union members, civil servants, pigs, New Zealand’s obligations under the Paris Climate Accord, Wellingtonians, local government, most South Islanders, people on strike, Māori, normal parliamentary process, small towns that rely on forestry, paper or meat processing businesses, Winston Peters and the planet.
To help guide its voters on who to look down on, a definitive list will be now completed before the 2026 election campaign, though it will not be as expansive as first planned.
A National insider who did not wished to be named said the original party hate list was “everybody except rich people”, but this has since been watered down after senior National ministers decided the party could not go into next year’s election with the same policy as the Act Party.
Things Christopher Luxon is better at than being PM #2
In the second of an exciting new series, Another Kind of Politics sets out to discover what, apart from accumulating enormous personal wealth, our most unpopular prime minister in a generation is actually good at.
This week, Christopher Luxon is good at … auctioneering.
It is a little-known fact that before Christopher Luxon bought up lots of investment properties he also sold them as an auctioneer at the Auckland firm The Price Is Far Right Ltd, where his nickname was “Flipper”.
After winning “Most Voluble Auctioneer of the Year” at the firm in 1997, his career hit the skids after multiple complaints from bidders that he was out of touch with what people could afford, was hard to understand due to an over-reliance on jargon and was bidding on then buying houses he was auctioning.
Luxon soon quit the company and joined the National Party.
The rest, as they say, is history.
