Felix Desmarais: The best dogs I've ever known, ranked

Finn aka Phineas Finnbar Dalvanius. Photo / Felix Desmarais

Opinion

COMMENT:
I don't want to have kids, mostly because I'd much rather be rich.

I also enjoy the quiet.

But if I did have kids, I imagine I would, like most parents, claim to love them equally.

I'm only guessing here and it's not from experience, but I seriously doubt parents don't have a favourite kid, even if it's just by a smidgen. They'll just never admit to it.

Dogs however, can't see the smack I might write about them in a column. So behold, the best dogs I have known, ranked.

6. Rosie

A golden retriever, who lasted about a week with our family when I was an infant. She pulled up an entire underground irrigation system.

She went to live on a farm (not a euphemism) where she could put her manic energy to good use. 6/10 stars, have to admire the industry.

5. Millie

Millie was my late grandmother's dog, a rescue long-haired dachshund who looked like dog royalty with the attitude to match. When she began stealing the neighbours' dog's biscuits and refusing to eat her own, Nana replaced the brands to match.

Undeterred, Millie continued to steal from the neighbours' dog's bowl. This led to a new nickname, Winona. Because she could get her own, but she'd rather steal it. 6.5/10 stars, I love a woman who knows what she wants.

Jed, the cutest dog of all time. Photo / Felix Desmarais

4. Pepe

Preceded Millie as my grandmother's dog. Pepe was a miniature poodle, a consummate French gentleman, who could, if asked, dance on his hind legs.

Nana gave him a weak "cup" (bowl) of tea every evening, which he thoroughly enjoyed. I later learned it's quite dangerous to feed dogs - especially small ones - tea. So he also had an iron stomach. 7/10 stars, a very good boy.

3. Jerry

A German shorthaired pointer who I sadly never actually met but would have if he had not met his untimely demise. My parents went away on a holiday and left him in the care of some friends who would take him running. He loved it.

The day after Mum and Dad returned home, he saw the friends going on their regular run, and naturally, took off to go and join them.

Sadly a car also happened to pass at the same moment he crossed the road.

Devastatingly, Mum saw it unfold from the upstairs kitchen window. By all accounts he was the sweetest, loveliest boy and a testament to making sure you have a fenced section if you have a dog. 8/10 stars, rest well, old boy.

Gracie, the bitzer from Tuakau, living the high life by the pool in Sydney. Photo / Felix Desmarais

2. Gracie

My first dog, Gracie, celebrated my 18th birthday by eating my entire box of Favourites while we were out to dinner. We found her, very much still alive, albeit with a bulging stomach, laid on her back like a suckling pig. While she was my dog, poor Mum had to deal with the carnage the following day.

Not the prettiest dog (a classmate once yelled across a field, "is that a rat with a curly tail?") she was loyal and affectionate, and after being born under a house in Tuakau, saw the end of her days enjoying the Australian sun in the suburbs of Cronulla at a ripe old age. I nearly called her Spot - thank goodness it was vetoed. 9/10 stars, good dog, Gracie. Good dog.

1. Jed and Finn

These brothers from the same litter, are tied for first. These poodle / bichon / maltese international travellers began life in Ngongotahā and have crossed the Tasman twice, living part of their days as the Real Housedogs of Brighton, in Melbourne.

They were reduced to clear, the last of the litter - two for the price of one. We really got our money's worth. Poor old Jeddie though, since Finn seems to have got all the genes for intelligence, handsomeness and robustness.

Finn (left) and Jed's vacant little faces. Photo / Felix Desmarais

Though Jed managed to work out how to break out of baby gate jail, so I think he may just be playing us all with his sweet simple baby act. He also manages to get treats for tricks Finn has to work for, because we give him a free pass. He's onto something.

Meanwhile, I've never met a dog so food motivated as Finn. The mutt will eat anything. He's stolen - and enjoyed - everything from strawberries to avocados, lettuce and a $20 wheel of brie. There is nothing so funny as Finny's little "guff!" when it's dinner time.

And when I was at my lowest, Finn knew and lay stoically next to me. They both saved my life just by needing to be looked after.

11/10 stars, greatest dogs of all time … but if I'm honest, Finn is an 11.5.

• Felix Desmarais is a journalist and mostly-former stand-up comedian.