Northern Advocate
  • Northern Advocate home
  • Latest news
  • Business
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Sport
  • Property
  • Video
  • Death notices
  • Classifieds

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • On The Up
  • Business
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
  • Sport
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Residential property listings

Locations

  • Far North
  • Kaitaia
  • Kaikohe
  • Bay of Islands
  • Whangārei
  • Kaipara
  • Mangawhai
  • Dargaville

Media

  • Video
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-Editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

Weather

  • Kaitaia
  • Whangārei
  • Dargaville

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Premium
Home / Northern Advocate

Kevin Page: Left on the sidelines as bathroom renovation gets under way

Kevin Page
By Kevin Page
Columnist·Northern Advocate·
20 Sep, 2021 05:00 PM6 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Apparently, it's best to leave the bathroom project firmly in the hands of She Who Must be Obeyed. "Husbands just don't listen," The Scottish Plumber said. Photo / Getty Images

Apparently, it's best to leave the bathroom project firmly in the hands of She Who Must be Obeyed. "Husbands just don't listen," The Scottish Plumber said. Photo / Getty Images

ON THE SAME PAGE

A few months ago I was sitting with my good friend The Scottish Plumber discussing how we would save the planet and football over a convivial beverage when something far more important cropped up - bathroom renovations.

Mrs P and I decided some time ago it was time for us to upgrade that place in our humble abode where the magic happens and we become trim, taut and terrific, basically Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie lookalikes.

Obviously, there was only one man for the job – of shifting the loo and moving the bath, that is. I have no idea if he'd be any good with a Brad Pitt makeover kit.

It was a no-brainer really. The Scottish Plumber has done all our bathroom work for the past 35 years. In fact, he's still moaning about the price he charged me way back when I didn't have a hole in my haircut and "bubbles" were something that went up your nose if you drink your beer too quickly.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Anyway.

I mentioned our renovation plans and he took a big, long swig of his Heineken and said simply: "don't get involved. Leave it to your wife".

Naturally, I was somewhat taken aback. Surely I would be the go-to person when it came to things like valve pressures and the appropriate water-resistant sealants wouldn't I? And that's before we've even got to things like shower heads and basin mixers.

Picture if you will another long draw on his beer as he pondered my query. The answer to that question was equally forthright: "nope".

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

He reminded me of a house we had owned some years ago where the mandatory bathroom renovation had gotten under way with he and I sharing the driving, so to speak.

I thought everything had been going well and indeed we were well on target to be finished for Mrs P's return from a week away, when I was required to make an on-the-spot decision about a cupboard.

Discover more

Kevin Page: Eccentrics, characters keep us sane

06 Sep 05:00 PM

Kevin Page: A curtain catastrophe hooks 'n all

30 Aug 05:00 PM
New Zealand

Kevin Page: Supermarkets a hotbed for silly stuff

23 Aug 05:00 PM

Cutlery crisis hits home

16 Aug 05:00 PM

Naturally, I knew exactly what my beloved wanted and, being a bloke, I went for practicality and thriftiness over unnecessarily costly style. The cupboard installed, we ended up with something I thought fitted in perfectly well.

Unfortunately, said cupboard was the first thing Mrs P saw when she opened the door. I think the shriek that emanated from deep within her vocal chords would have been heard around the country - if not across the ditch.

It turned out the cupboard was wrong in many respects.

Not only was it the wrong size, it transpired it was the wrong width, the wrong colour, didn't have a shelf, the door opened on the wrong side, the handle did not match any of the others in the bathroom and the entire thing was a hard-to-clean matt finish when my beloved had been making everything else easy-to-clean gloss.

The Scottish Plumber grinned as he recalled the lecture I received on the spot from one very unimpressed wife.

The grin became a chuckle as he regurgitated the tale of my discomfort. "I remember you trying to make excuses," he laughed.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

He was right. I did try to make excuses.

I'm not actually sure why because when it all boiled down to it I simply had been away with the fairies when Mrs P had given me my instructions for such an eventuality as I dropped her off at the airport.

To this day I remain somewhat perplexed as to how I could have got it so wrong, but it came as no surprise to my drinking buddy who assured me it was quite common.

"Husbands just don't listen," he said with the calm authority of someone who had seen it many times before.

Now it was my turn to take a swig from the bottle and ponder the way forward.

We would be spending a sizeable amount - the equivalent at least of the gross domestic product of a small Pacific island nation from what I could workout. I say that because I've not really been involved with the purchase of what's going in to the updated bathroom.

Mrs P has found several new friends in the royal and ancient Sisterhood of Plumbing Showroom Assistants and I'm not allowed at their meetings. I think they must have secret rituals and handshakes or something. Either way they all appear to be on the same wavelength as my wife.

Whenever I ask what we are having in the bathroom, she says "It's all under control. The girls know what I want."

Oh well. Enough said. Ka ching!

At this point The Scottish Plumber must have realised I was a beaten man.

"Just leave it to me and your good lady," he said, patting my arm. "We'll sort it all out and unlike last time you will both be happy at the end of it."

Resigned to my fate, I took another slurp of my beverage. Oh well, at least I had The Scottish Plumber in my corner looking after my interests during the process.

And I suppose he knows what he's doing so let's hope there won't be any extra costs.
Mind you, having said that, he's still moaning about how little he got paid for that job 30 odd years ago so I wouldn't be surprised if he sends me an invoice for relationship counselling this time as well.

• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to editor@northernadvocate.co.nz (Kevin Page in subject field).

Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Latest from Northern Advocate

Northern Advocate

Northland businesses unite for CCTV initiative to combat crime

Northern Advocate

Two charged with neglect 10 years after 4yo's death in Kaikohe

Northern Advocate

Major water leak forces school closure for urgent repairs


Sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Northern Advocate

Northland businesses unite for CCTV initiative to combat crime
Northern Advocate

Northland businesses unite for CCTV initiative to combat crime

Business groups in the Far North are uniting to enhance community safety.

17 Jul 04:00 AM
Two charged with neglect 10 years after 4yo's death in Kaikohe
Northern Advocate

Two charged with neglect 10 years after 4yo's death in Kaikohe

17 Jul 02:17 AM
Major water leak forces school closure for urgent repairs
Northern Advocate

Major water leak forces school closure for urgent repairs

17 Jul 01:26 AM


Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky
Sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

06 Jul 09:47 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • The Northern Advocate e-edition
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Subscribe to the Northern Advocate
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The Northern Advocate
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP