Eight Hawke’s Bay women share their stories of sexual abuse, representing thousands of others in the region who are likely to carry similar experiences in silence. Graphic design / Aaron Bryan
CONTENT WARNING, SEXUAL ASSAULT
Eight Hawke’s Bay women are making a brave decision: they’re sharing their stories of sexual abuse at the hands of men. They represent an estimated 30,000 women in the region, who experts say are likely to carry the same scars with them, often unseen. Rafaella Melo reports in the first of a series titled You Are Not To Blame.
Taking deep breaths, her voice shaking as she revisits five years of being sexually abused, Sarah* tells Hawke’s Bay Today she still feels “incredibly embarrassed” about the whole thing.
For Sarah, as for many survivors, the hardest part is the crushing belief that it’s somehow her fault.
Hawke’s Bay Today has interviewed eight victims for a series on the horrifying prevalence of sexual violence in our community.
The focus of the series is to give survivors a voice and to work out what we as a region can do about it.
The New Zealand Crime and Victims Survey says more than one in three women experience sexual assault or harassment in their lifetime.
Those figures are accurate for Hawke’s Bay as well, according to Karen Hart, counsellor and co-founder of Brave Foundation, a local charity supporting young women who have experienced sexual harm.
It’s a daunting, disgusting statistic.
Yet self-blame is still a thing.
It’s one of the most consistent and damaging responses that survivors face, and it takes time to heal, Hart says.
“They all blame themselves.
“I don’t know how to prevent that … but through counselling, they learn how to put those thoughts on trial.
“Where’s the evidence that shows it was your fault?
“People then say, ‘Well, I did this and I did that,’ but you weren’t expecting this to happen.
“Do you think you deserve that just because you had one drink too many or something like that?”
Abuse is always the choice of the abuser, never the abused, Hart says.
Sarah* started private music lessons at age 10 with a family friend.
She says he slowly groomed her, normalising physical closeness and convincing her that exposure was part of becoming a performer.
“He initially would bring me outfits to try on. He’d say, ‘You need to get used to it, because if you’re going to be a performer, that’s normal, you’ve got to do quick changes, and people are going to see your body.’
“As a kid, I just believed, and I wanted to be a singer ... now, it just leaves me feeling incredibly embarrassed. I don’t know how I fell for that.”
She says he tried to make himself a safe place.
“I thought he was really nice, he was being friendly and genuinely concerned about the troubles that I was having because I was getting bullied at school, and I wasn’t very academically good at things, so he’d say I could talk with him about all of this.”
When she turned 13, her tutor raped her.
“I remember the pain. I couldn’t breathe. And after he finished, I vomited. Now, every time I feel nervous, I vomit.
“I didn’t even know what happened to me. My parents didn’t talk to me about what rape was, or grooming or paedophiles or anything.
“They told me, ‘Don’t go with strangers,’ but he wasn’t a stranger.”
She says the abuse continued, repeatedly, until she was 16.
“I never said anything to him ... I was way too scared.
“He didn’t act like anything he was doing was wrong ... For the longest time, I just thought that I was wrong, and he must be right, because he’s an adult, and he’s trying to help me by teaching me.
“So, I need to respect that and be thankful for that.”
For years, Sarah blamed herself for staying quiet and not pushing back harder. When she was 23, she had a mental breakdown and decided to tell her parents.
Almost 10 years on, the trauma still haunts her.
“I remember he brought out this little white top and a pink skirt. Like child clothes, halfway my size.
“To this day, if I walk through the kids’ section at The Warehouse, I can get triggered.
“My body refuses to forget, and I just shake a lot.”
Sarah says she feels better now, but her past continues to shape her present and future.
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a kid because I can’t trust that I can keep them safe. So, I never, ever, ever want children.”
Hastings teenager Jess* also says the road ahead feels uncertain.
“I never really imagined I’d have a future outside of everything that would happen. I’m still trying to figure that part out.”
Her experiences with abuse started before she was 6, first at the hands of her biological father and later men her mother brought home.
“She used to bring these random men over all the time, and … things would happen.
“Sometimes I did blame myself, but I know now that it wasn’t my fault because that shouldn’t have happened to me. It shouldn’t have happened to anyone.
“Because of all that’s happened to me, I thought it was just a normal thing.”
At 16, she moved to Hawke’s Bay, hoping for a fresh start, living with extended family. But then a man she saw as a “father figure” betrayed her trust.
“I didn’t have the parents, so I was deprived of care and love.
“But the person who did what he did to me … I trusted him ... I felt like there was finally a guy that wouldn’t do anything to me.
“I opened up to him about everything one night. I was still recovering from my bad mental health at the time … and he sexually assaulted me.
“I didn’t tell anyone except my therapist because I just wanted it to be over and gone.”
For Lucy*, who was 11 when her older brother left her a note asking if she wanted to have sex, the guilt crept in through the smallest details.
“I used to dance in front of my siblings. I quit dance because I thought it was sexualised.
“I gave up something I loved because I blamed myself.”
Lucy says she was touched inappropriately at a concert by an older man when she was 13.
“He had a little daughter with him. It was a Christmas In The Park thing.
“He had walked past and just started grabbing on to me and touching me in my private places while his daughter was there.
“I thought it was my fault because I was wearing a crop top, so I thought it was like me asking for it.”
Now 17, she sees it differently.
“I wish I never stopped dancing. I wish I never blamed myself, because it wasn’t my fault.”
Pamela* was 17 when a childhood friend sexually abused her at a party in Hawke’s Bay.
“I told him to stop many times, but he just kept going.
“I felt ashamed, like it was my fault, like I shouldn’t have been drinking like it, so I didn’t feel I could tell anyone because you don’t know what the stigma is around that when it comes to alcohol.”
It took a few days, but she eventually found the courage to tell her parents.
“They were so supportive.”
Pamela reported it to police, and the case was eventually referred to a restorative justice process, a legally recognised alternative to court by which victims and offenders meet in a safe setting, resulting in apology, counselling and agreed actions for the offender.
Hart says that speaking out is an important part of recovery and of learning that blame never belongs to the victim.
“Having a good counsellor helps a lot and also having safe friends that they can talk to with … like the sort of relationships that they make at Brave.”
For Pamela, that sense of community has been vital.
“The main therapy of it all is the girls that you’re amongst and the sense of friendship you get, to know that you’re not alone.”
Through Brave, she formed a close bond with Ella*, a fellow survivor who also carried the weight of self-blame.
Ella says she was just 5 when her uncle assaulted her.
“I didn’t know if it was normal, but I told my mum straight away. I ended up doing counselling for that.”
Later, as a teenager, she faced further abuse.
At 17, she says she was sexually assaulted by a colleague.
“I froze up. It felt all very fast, but also all very slow.”
Eventually, she ran and asked for help.
“I couldn’t even speak. I pull out my phone and I go into my notes app, and I write what happened … He raped me.”
Ella says police caught the offender but, when she was asked whether she wanted to press charges, her first thought was that it was her fault.
She received post-assault care and medication, with police involvement continuing for three months.
“I blamed myself a lot. I kept rethinking about that night and how I was acting, if I gave him the wrong impression.”
A year later, she began counselling with Brave, then working through youth services. The therapy, she says, helped restore the confidence she had lost.
“I dropped the case because it felt like it would unravel everything I did to get into a better place.
“I know now that no child, no teenager, is to blame for being hurt.”
If it’s an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
If you have been sexually assaulted, remember it’s not your fault.
Historical offending goes to the police Adult Sexual Assault Team via the 105 phone line, reports at the front counter or online reporting.
If you’ve ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact Safe to Talk confidentially at any time:
Call 0800 044 334
Text 4334
Email support@safetotalk.nz
For more information or to chat online, visit safetotalk.nz. Alternatively, contact your nearest police station - click here for a list.
Rape Crisis Hawke’s Bay offers 24-hour support. Call 0800 777 550 or 021 227 6622.
To contact Brave Foundation, fill out a quick form on its website.
*Victims’ names have been changed.
Rafaella Melo has more than 10 years of experience as a journalist in Brazil. She has worn many hats, from radio and TV presenter and producer to magazine editor. She joined the Hawke’s Bay Today team in December as a multimedia journalist.