Many newly single dads struggle to know where to start

Being a single dad can be a struggle.

Many newly single dads struggle to know where to start.

NC290622Janine.JPG

Parenting and birth educator Janine Gard.

NC290622BabyDad.JPG

Being a single dad can be a struggle.

Janine Gard is a diploma-qualified birth educator and founder of Bellies to Babies, providing antenatal and postnatal classes. She has helped more then 3700 parents prepare themselves mentally, emotionally and physically for their journey to parenthood and loves what she does. This week Janine talks about single dads.

Becoming or being a single dad is by far the biggest challenge you may have faced to date. However your journey began as a father, finding yourself as a single parent can be devastating, and it's easy to become overwhelmed by emotions - heartache, pain, confusion, panic, fear, feeling like a failure, and more. Many newly single dads struggle to know where to start. What should be first on your list, and how do you even begin to get your head around the rest? It's important to stay focused on what's important: the bigger picture, ensuring you're putting your kids first and keeping things amicable with your ex-partner.

If you can work out the parenting arrangements outside of court it will be best for everyone involved, saving a lot of time, stress and money. If the timing isn't right to have that discussion straight away, think about how you want to approach sharing the care of your children and start working towards that immediately, while waiting for the right moment to discuss long-term solutions with your former partner.

Single parenting is hard. It can be overwhelming. There may be moments you feel like caving in. I challenge you to look for blessings in disguise.

Chaos

Admittedly, with no other adult in the house to hold you accountable, it's easy to let routines slip. Sheer fatigue from handling everything alone or the change that comes from moving children between two homes can make keeping a routine hard. Establish a routine - homes with routines provide stability and boundaries that babies, children and teens need. Try creating routines for before and after school, dinner, and bedtime to cut down the potential for chaos.

Grieving children

Children in a single-parent home are almost always dealing with some level of grief because of separation, divorce, or death. Listen and love well - you can't fix your children's grief but you can listen, love, and provide a safe place for them. If they are old enough to express themselves, let them talk about their emotions. Gently initiate conversations that will help them communicate. Books and movies can help you broach questions or issues children may be dealing with. Make sure you allow children to express new stages of grief as they arise.

Missing a role model

No matter how well you parent, a dad can never be their mum and you don't have to be. Look for opportunities for your children to have safe female mentors, like their friends' mums, other parents, family and friends.

Overwhelming to-do list

This may seem counter-intuitive, but the busier you feel, the more important it is to intentionally carve out time for fun. With so much to do, it's tempting just to put your head down and get it done.

Make time for fun - especially if you're the sole parent, make room for enjoying your kids. It can be as simple as leaving jokes in your child's lunchbox or pressing pause for a surprise afternoon out. Laughter really is the best medicine.

You will most likely find that you adapt to your new role as a single dad very quickly, basically because you have to. There is no time to muck about – right from day one you have to get stuck in and just do it. Yes, you'll make mistakes (like all parents when they first start out), and many things will be awkward initially, but you learn and adapt.

Don't underestimate your ability to be a great dad on your own. Yes, it's tough, it takes a lot of time and effort, and you're constantly learning as your child grows. You may have to sacrifice time you would usually spend on other things like sports and socialising, at least in the short term. You will find that the rewards far outweigh the costs, and that when you do feel comfortable with your new role you will be able to work out ways to bring those other things back into your life.

My advice is: Talk to your parents, talk to other parents, read books, go online and do the research - but most of all, believe in your ability to become a great single dad!

Here are a few online resources to help you in your parenting journey:

Dads Matter NZ - An online support group for equal rights for dads. www.facebook.com/Dads-Matter-NZ

Life of Dad – Celebrating the adventures of fatherhood with entertainment, humour and discussion on the world of fatherhood. www.facebook.com/lifeofdad/?fref=ts

Dads HQ - If you are parenting alone or co-parenting, we hope we can offer you some support to continue to raise happy healthy kids! www.dadshq.co.nz

Bellies to Babies - Antenatal & Postnatal classes, baby massage courses and baby and infant first aid courses, 2087 Pakowhai Rd, Hawke's Bay, 022 637 0624. https://www.hbantenatal-classes.co.nz/

Medical disclaimer: This page is for educational and informational purposes only and may not be construed as medical advice. The information is not intended to replace medical advice offered by physicians.