ART DECO WEEKEND: Naval gazing in HB

KATE NEWTON
I don't know what I was thinking.
Perhaps I have been on too many aeroplanes of late but when I was told to be ready to board the HMNZS Resolution from the Port of Napier at 6.15am yesterday I pictured stepping into a corridor, walking a few metres and stepping out onto the ship.
I didn't think about logistics or where this imaginary corridor would come from, but needless to say there wasn't one.
Running late as usual, I arrived puffing and on the receiving line of some strange stares.
"Ah, you might have trouble climbing the rope ladder in those," Lieutenant Commander Neville Smith said, eyeing my new pointy and heeled shoes.
Don't worry, I told him. A lady is always prepared.
Pulling out a pair of black sandals from my handbag, I expected Neville to look relieved.
"Those probably won't be any better. You might slip," he said.
I resolved to go barefoot. Neville looked nervous and explained we would be boarding a boat that would take us out to the Resolution.
"Here it is," he said, pointing.
I was relieved to see quite a decent-sized boat moored.
"No, no that's not it. Here it comes, now," Neville said.
Sure enough, as I cocked my head to the side and peered around what now looked like a cruise ship there was a dot in the distance coming towards us.
An indemnity form was shoved under my nose, perhaps to distract me from my shock - and just in case we fell overboard.
Throwing my shoes and handbag in before me, I was able to jump into the inflatable and after finding a posse and locating my heels I sat propped up with my handbag over one shoulder and crossed my legs.
Instructions for coping with a capsize were being yelled out as the boat started to move but I was far too busy being scared of the female sailor on board to even worry. Obviously she was one tough girl in her white shorts and T-shirt in the chilly air, and her look said it all - she was ashamed of me.
When the inflatable pulled up at the ship, sailors rolled down a rope ladder.
I passed my heels up to one sailor and my handbag up to another and climbed the rope, praying the whole time a gust wouldn't catch my skirt.
Neville later assured me it was an elegant climb.
While the others boarded, I took the time to top up my lip gloss. I did one lip but was getting so many quizzical looks I decided to put it away and focus on the trip up Marine Parade.
The rest of the journey up and down the Parade went well, except for a moment in the engineering room when I stepped on a vent and had a slight Marilyn Monroe moment in front of the high school pupils who were there to consider the navy as a career.
I may have appeared disinterested but it really was an honour to look out along Napier from the Resolution on her 10th anniversary.
I even got a few answers to three of my burning questions.
Apparently the crew don't sing In The Navy much nowadays but a few classics from Top Gun do tend to come out occasionally.
There is a sewerage system on the ship so all the body waste is turned into a liquid that is 99.8 percent bacteria-free and you could probably drink it, but as it's a blacky-grey colour they dispose of it overboard.
And relationships do form between crew members, but have to be declared. The two people are put on separate ships because absolutely no affection is allowed to be shown.
Plus, if there was a fire in a room and you had to shut your loved one in there for the sake of the boat that would be really hard.
Not that I doubt the fortitude of those who choose the navy as a career. But for now I will leave it to them and whenever I see them in Napier know what a great job they do for our country.