Roundabout way of evolution

It seems that we are doomed to go back to the Middle Ages - as more of us use antibiotics, the bugs will mutate and those which are proof against antibiotics will take over from the others, courtesy of Darwin's theory of evolution.

If that happens, antibiotics will cease to have any effect and we will be back where we were before they were ever invented. Well, maybe ...

Do not panic too much - it doesn't mean instant death for everyone. We will just have to fall back on our own immune systems as they did in medieval times. But this isn't the only genetic challenge facing Britain at the moment. There is also the Milton Keynes problem.

Apparently, cars belonging to residents of Milton Keynes, a town built in Buckinghamshire in the late 1960s, have their left-side front tyres replaced more often than cars in any other part of England. When I first heard that fact, I assumed that people from Milton Keynes were just worse at parking than everyone else and, indeed, if you have ever met any of them that seems a convincing explanation.

Apparently it is not that, however - or, at least, not only that. Milton Keynes is the roundabout mecca of the UK. That is because it was built when roundabouts were just coming into vogue and, understandably, they got carried away and put in a huge number of them.

The trouble is that when you swing around a roundabout, the car leans over to the left and so the left front tyre gets worn and has to be replaced more often than its driver's side counterpart. That much is obvious. The more difficult question is whether the effect on the vehicle is matched by a corresponding effect on the driver and, if it is, what Darwin's theory of evolution will make of it.

Imagine yourself approaching a Milton Keynes roundabout. To survive the experience unscathed it is necessary to focus on traffic coming from the right so that you can slip into the stream at the appropriate moment. Over the centuries, that need to glance right must affect the shape of the citizenry of Milton Keynes as surely as the climatic conditions of the Galapagos Islands affected the birdlife. Actually, the mechanics of evolution in this context are startlingly clear. Gradually those who tend to look straight ahead will be crushed by lorries on the roundabouts, leaving a preponderance of those whose glance tends towards the right. Then Darwin will do his bit and, hey presto, the human form in Milton Keynes will gradually change. Like all changes, it will have advantages and disadvantages. It will, for example, be useful to detectives. Imagine a future Sherlock Holmes: "See, Watson, the way the head moves to the right when he is not thinking. Things like that tell you much about a man's origin. Now look at the marks in the gravel made by his car. A new tyre on the left-hand side. I thought so. Milton Keynes. His story about being a fugitive German prince does not stand up to scrutiny."

But great though this advantage may be, it is probably outweighed by the disadvantages. At dinner parties in Milton Keynes, guests will instinctively turn to the right so that they will end up looking at the back of each other's heads. Business ethics will suffer as people cease to look each other in the eye. Leg spinners will have an unfair advantage. The young ladies will all squint.

No, it is probably a bad thing and government action is called for. Remove the roundabouts? No, sir. Milton Keynes is a fine monument to the 1960s. One would as soon remove the dome from St Paul's. The only civilised way of dealing with the problem is to neutralise the genetic effects. We need to encourage the citizens of a roundabout infested town in a right-hand drive country to move to Milton Keynes and inter-marry with the inhabitants. It would be the finest piece of social engineering since the Romans imported the Sabine women ... truly an immigration programme to be proud of.

Before retiring, John Watson was a partner in an international law firm. He now writes from Islington, London.