Mending broken relationships

Lynette Archer Photo/File

This week I was fortunate to attend a two-day restorative practices workshop with Margaret Thorsborne, hosted by Restorative Practices Whanganui. Over the two days we explored how to restore relationships where conflict has occurred. Although the workshop was primarily to support relationships within workplaces I couldn't help thinking about how it was also very relevant to families. The principles of restorative practices not only deal with the issues/harm caused by conflict they also provide an opportunity for healing of those relationships which enables everyone to move forward positively together.

When we think about parenting, especially when we have two or more children/grandchildren in our care, we can probably picture some potential conflicts and general behaviours that need to be addressed before any problems occur that can completely sideline our day.

How we view these and how we deal with them is very much influenced by our personality and parenting style.

A useful tool learned from the workshop was changing the way we can ask questions when something has gone wrong. How many of us will launch into a situation with the question "Why did you do that!?" Certainly I do. An alternative could be "How did this happen?" "What were you thinking at the time?" Giving children space to answer a question that is less confronting will get to the bottom of the issue with the dignity of both parties intact.

Remember to give your child an opportunity to put things right: "What can we do to make things right again?" Then move on. If the issue is resolved it doesn't need to be revisited over and over again. Teaching our children these strategies will strengthen their ability to develop good relationships in their world.

Earlier in the year we talked about the Skip Six principles of discipline that support parents to feel confident about managing their children's behaviour. The following checklist is a reminder of these principles that we think you will find useful.

Love & warmth
Does my child know that it's their behaviour, not them that I don't like?

Is my child scared of me, am I calm enough?

How do I show them I love them?

Talking & listening
Have I said clearly how I want my child to behave?

Have I listened to them?

Guidance & understanding
Does my child understand why that behaviour is not ok?

Do they see how their behaviour has affected others?

Have I helped them to work out better ways to get what they need?

Limits & boundaries

Has my child broken a clear, simple rule they already knew about?

Is my child capable of doing what is expected or am I asking too much for their age?

Have I reminded them of the rules?

Consistency & consequences
Do I behave in the way I want my child to behave?

Do I respond the same way each time I see this behaviour?

Is this consequence

*related to the behaviour?

*reasonable for my child's ability?

*respectful?

A structured secure world

Does my child's life have enough routine and predictability to help them know what to expect?

If you would like to know more about Restorative Practices Whanganui visit their website www.restorativepracticeswhanganui.co.nz

Skip has lots of free parenting resources. If you'd like a set, contact Lynette and Liza at Skip Whanganui; text or phone 027 626 1404, or 345 3008 or email skipwanganui@xtra.co.nz