Kristen Hamling Photo/File
"Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities" - Aldous Huxley.
Did you do your homework? What is happiness? Joy, excitement, love, pleasure, contentment, bliss? What would make you happier? Marriage, material wealth, a holiday, a better job? When we get these things we'll be happy, right? Not really. Happiness is not a goal at the end of the rainbow or something we should pursue in and of itself. Studies show that happiness tends to be found in the small everyday things steeped around us rather than the big-ticket items of life, as Aldous Huxley's quote so nicely depicts.
Many of us colloquially think happiness refers to pleasurable feelings, and this is certainly a part of it. However, studies show that if you want to get the most out of life, then you need to look beyond pleasure. We adapt to pleasure and it is not enough to sustain us, as I will explain in upcoming articles. To be wholeheartedly happy one needs not only to experience positive emotions on a daily basis, but to also feel that your life has meaning and purpose, and that you are satisfied with your life as a whole. This contributes to our overall wellbeing, and what I refer to as gutsy happiness.
Gutsy happiness is seen when a person is gaining in five areas of life - positive emotions, engagement, positive relationships, meaning and achievement (PERMA). While most people are doing well in one or two of these areas, few of us are doing well in all five. To squeeze the most out of life (flourish and thrive) then you need to live effectively in all five. Upcoming articles will focus on activities in each of these areas.
Positive emotions contribute bucketloads to happiness, so this is a good place to start.
To increase positive emotions try the 'Three Good Things' exercise. My family has just started this exercise. Each night at dinner we go around the table and list the three good things that have happened during the day. I need to reassure you my 6-year-old boy didn't start with "mummy I am so glad you asked, the best thing that happened today was that I worked really hard at writing a word I had been struggling with and this was so good because it gave me a sense of confidence in myself, which is a good thing as self-esteem really makes such a difference in a young person's life". We started with monosyllabic "party, skateboarding, ice cream" on a good day and "nothing" on a not-so-good day.
The key is to talk more about why they were good. For example, last night my husband said "I enjoyed helping my mother today because it makes me feel good to help other people, and she appreciated the time I spent with her".
Really savour the experience. I will talk more about savouring in upcoming articles.
Good luck with your Three Good Things. Use it at home, the workplace, with friends, family or your neighbour. Next week more on positive emotions, and also the barriers to achieving gutsy happiness.
A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in positive psychology at Auckland University of Technology.