For positive change, easy does it

CONFLICT: If children are fighting over toys putting away those toys could be a helpful option to try.

"Will you get off your brother?"

"Stop hitting him please!"

"Use your words not your fists!" If these are regular occurrences in your home read on for more helpful strategies for dealing with unwanted behaviour in your home.

With limited language some young children may use hitting as a way to communicate their wants. Here are some things to try to think about when your children are hitting.

Our role as parents is to help our children learn socially acceptable ways to communicate. Most of their learning is done by looking and listening to parents and whanau so let's be aware of what we are teaching them.

Things children might be thinking:

"This girl can't understand what I want, I'll give her a push and see if that helps."

"Hey sorry, mate, that's my bike - off you get!"

"That ball must be mine 'cause I've got one just like it at home - give it here."

"Now you've gone and done it - you've yelled, hit me and made me feel shamed - aahhaaarrrgghhh!"

Things to think about:

Consistent agreed-upon and age-appropriate limits work best.

When adults learn new things they want their teacher to be calm and to explain things in a way they can understand - our kids are no different.

If hitting is the only way to get any adult attention they'll keep doing it.

Smacking, sarcasm or shaming words only teach children that is okay.

Children will copy what they see adults doing more than doing what adults say to do.

Remember how good it feels to "kiss and make up". Kids need to know we still love them even when we don't like their behaviour. Give lots of cuddles.

Things to try:

Watch for signs of frustration and be quick to respond - offer help or distract them.

Pre-plan - organise activities that can be shared easily like water play, music and dancing and put away the toys that children fight over.

Ask them for their ideas - how do you think we might sort this problem out?

Remember to give them your attention and lots of praise when they are co-operating.

Always act promptly and calmly: "Stop hitting. It hurts."

Focus on the person who has hit and move the child who did the hitting away. Time out can be useful for this.

Have family rules about "No hitting" that you all agree to.

When all is calm again - follow up with a reminder of the rules: "I know you felt angry before but remember this is a no-hitting house. What would help next time you're upset?"

Children respond best to calmness and consistency with adults and older children role modelling positive behaviours.

Changes may not happen straight away but they will happen. Children learn to cope with frustrations if they are encouraged and supported to do so. If you are feeling isolated by your child's behaviour, talk to family and friends, ask for help and look for parent support groups you can join.

For more information check out the Free Skip Parenting Resources. To order your free copy contact Lynette or Liza at Skip Whanganui phone or text 027 626 1404, or email skipwanganui@xtra.co.nz.