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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Fridays on listener.co.nz.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has admitted blowing his entire fortune after falling for a fake video targeting Kiwis with a cryptocurrency scam. A red-faced Luxon says he was fooled by the online footage featuring a deepfake version of himself promising to make investors “richer than Christopher Luxon”.
In the video, the deepfake Luxon is seen being interviewed by a deepfake Jack Tame, host of TVNZ’s Q&A programme. “Prime Minister,” the fake Tame begins, “New Zealanders have recently seen many advertisements featuring yourself where you personally guarantee that you can make them richer than you are.”
The deepfake Luxon is seen nodding.
“Some are calling it a scam,” fake Tame continues, “while others claim they have become billionaires using your simple but complex investment scheme involving putting all their money into your SuperLuxCoin cryptocurrency. Who should people believe if they want to start passively earning a billion dollars every week?”
“Don’t click on any suspicious links for a start,” jokes deepfake Luxon. “But the link below this video is official and by using it you truly can earn billions from SuperLuxCoin, I guarantee it.”
The real Luxon said yesterday he had found the fake Luxon “very convincing” and that it had made a persuasive case for being laser-focused on investing all his money in the legit-sounding SuperLuxCoin. “With me involved, it seemed completely above board,” the real Luxon said. “SuperLuxCoin sounded exactly like the sort of thing I would come up with, so I decided to invest. It seemed like a no-brainer for Chris Luxon to invest with Chris Luxon.”
Asked how much he had sunk into the scam, real Luxon said “everything”, which meant he had now lost everything to those behind the fake SuperLuxCoin. He said his fall into penury proved it could happen to anyone as long as they were greedy enough.
“I shouldn’t have fallen for such an obvious scam, but I really wanted to be richer than Christopher Luxon. Before this I was sorted. Now I’m living in my crown limo.”
New foreign house buyers’ exemption fails sniff test
Shane Jones to end NZ energy crisis using own “charisma”
New Zealand’s four decade-old anti-nuclear stance is “going to go the way of Freddie the Frog,” claims Associate Energy Minister Shane Jones.
The New Zealand First MP is backing his nuclear-powered personality to solve the country’s energy problems and says anyone who thinks differently is a “radical, far left, antediluvian, Marxist tree-hugger”.
Jones told a meeting of 300 NZ First supporters at Warkworth they had nothing to fear from atomic power. “Even if there was a horrible nuclear accident, you’ve all got one foot in the grave anyway.”
He said the case for using his atomic ego would be put to the floor at NZ First’s party conference in Palmerston North this weekend.
A spokesperson for the Greens said it was not just Jones’ personality that was radioactive, but his politics were toxic, too. “To quote David Lange, I wouldn’t stand too close to Shane Jones, he may well have uranium on his breath,” the spokesperson said.
Jones denied the allegation of stinking of uranium, but did not rebuff suggestions his personality was highly radioactive. “Not only can Shane Jones’ charisma light up a room,” Jones said, “the Jones Boy is capable of lighting up the whole country.”
Wellington men arrested after Amazon package theft
A fight over the ownership of a package sent by e-commerce company Amazon ended with the arrest of two Wellington men, one for theft from a letterbox and the other for using indecent language in a public place.
Police were called to an address in Molesworth St after reports two men were brawling in the street after one accused the other of stealing an Amazon delivery, which had been ordered back in 2021 but had only just been delivered.
Police said Christopher Mark Luxon, 55, had stolen the small box from the letterbox of Christopher John Hipkins, 46. Hipkins confronted Luxon, and a fracas developed, during which Hipkins was heard to verbally abuse Luxon.
“I heard one call the other a ‘Figjam’,” a witness told this reporter. “I believe it is an acronym meaning ‘fumbling, insincere gripper, just ask me’.”
Both men will appear in the Wellington District Court next week. A police spokesman said he was unsure what all the fuss had been about. “When we opened the box, it contained nothing but a lot of hot air and a dodgy-looking promissory note.”
Political quiz of the week
What is the most shocking thing in the picture?
A/ The state of the car.
B/ The state of the motor.
C/ The pretence of manual labour.
D/ The shorts.
