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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Fridays on listener.co.nz.
Environmentalists are lauding NZ First’s surprise move to relaunch itself as a recycling centre for other parties’ failed, disgraced and unwanted members of parliament.
It was revealed at the weekend that two former MPs, Labour’s Stuart Nash and National’s Harete Hipango, were no longer unwanted cast-offs but could be reconditioned as NZ First candidates in time for the next election. Political commentators have called the plan “bonkers” but NZ First leader Winston Peters says his “deep concern” for the environment is behind the move.
“Listen sunshine, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” he told a media conference. “We will take anybody, and they don’t just have to be knackered MPs that have been left out on the berm.
“As a great lady almost said: give us your tired, your poor performers, your huddled masses of misspeaking no-hopers, the wretched refuse on your teeming political shore and we’ll turn them into near-new MPs.”
The move to recycle failed and unwanted MPs has been hailed by environmentalists as a major step towards cleaning up New Zealand’s enormous stinking, political garbage dump of failed MPs.
Other washed-up MPs NZ First is also thought to be considering recycling include:
National’s Andrew Falloon, who did not seek re-election after sending a pornographic image to a 19-year-old female university student.
Act’s David Garrett, who resigned from Parliament following revelations that he had fraudulently obtained a passport in the name of a deceased infant in 1984.
National’s Aaron Gilmore, who resigned from Parliament after a public scandal reportedly involving him asking a Hanmer Springs’ barman “Do you know who I am?” and threatening to have the person sacked by then Prime Minister John Key.
Labour’s former justice minister Kiri Allen, who did not stand again for Parliament after crashing a car under interesting circumstances and was later convicted of two charges of careless driving and failing to accompany a police officer.
National’s Jami-Lee Ross, who left the party in 2018, and lost his Botany seat in 2020, after accusations of corruption, bullying and sexual harassment.
The environmental campaigner said in the past such ex-MPs would be considered politically radioactive rubbish best buried in lead-lined coffins, so it was “incredibly brave” for Peters and NZ First to attempt recycling them.
“You would imagine that no one would want to recycle someone now as politically toxic as Nash, who said this week that a woman is “a person with a p.... and a pair of t…’. But thanks to NZ First failed, disgraced, sacked and useless MPs no longer have to go to landfill.”
Meanwhile at the NZ First annual conference
Fears grow Greens experiencing mass extinction event
The Green Party could soon be deader than a stuffed huia, top boffins believe. The endangered species lost yet another surviving member this week with the resignation of Benjamin “Bussy” Doyle, the fifth Green to end up in the organic compost in 21 months.
“You don’t lose a third of your numbers in less than two years and not worry,” said one scientist. “At this rate of attrition it is only a matter of time before this endangered species is completely gone. I believe we are on the verge of a mass extinction event.”
However DNA has been taken from the surviving specimens meaning it might be possible to resurrect the species if it were to die out entirely, the boffin said. “We can work miracles these days. We would combine the surviving DNA with the species’ nearest surviving self-satisfied relative, the Lesser Smug Tit.
Peeni Henare for your thoughts: Tāmaki Makaurau gives its verdict
Political mystery of the week
What the hell is this?
A/ It’s a bird.
B/ It’s a plane.
C/ It’s Superman.
D/ It’s an abomination.
