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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on Fridays on listener.co.nz.
A gleeful coalition government is to set to honour opposition MP Tākuta Ferris with life membership of the National Party for his contribution to ensuring its election victory next year.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon says the Te Pāti Māori rabble rouser’s late-night, racially-charged social media rants were the best thing to happen to the coalition since the 2023 election.
“To be honest, we have been in the toilet with floating voters all year, what with the cost-of-living crisis, the failing health system, teacher and doctors and nurses striking and David Seymour’s unfortunate personality,” Luxon said. “It’s been nothing but bad news for us.”
So Ferris’s recent bizarre and bellicose social media tirades about non-Māori volunteers helping Labour MP Peeni Henare’s campaign in the Tāmaki Makaurau by-election were the fillip the National-led coalition had been desperately waiting for, Luxon said.
“Since the election our polling has tanked. But good old Tākuta has single-handedly guaranteed that a Labour-led coalition with Te Pāti Māori is completely and unequivocally unelectable,” Luxon crowed. “At the next election, it ain’t going to be about the stuffed economy. Instead, it’s going to be about who the hell wants that guy anywhere near government?”
In a series of social media posts, Ferris, who is MP for Te Tai Tonga, condemned Labour’s use of non-Māori volunteers in the Tāmaki Makaurau campaign, saying it “blew his mind” to see “Indians, Asians, Black and Pakeha campaigning to take a Māori seat from Māori”.
Te Pāti Māori’s leaders later apologised to Labour for Ferris’s racially-charged comments, but the renegade MP doubled down on his views in further social media diatribes.
One political commentator said given the coalition’s attitude towards Māori, such as its attacks on the use of te reo by government departments, the Treaty Principles Bill and the dumping of Te Aka Whai Ora, the Māori Health Authority, it was perverse that Te Pāti Māori would so violently and randomly attack the only viable means of replacing the coalition, the Labour Party.
Due to Ferris’s outbursts, Labour was now literally in a no-win situation, the commentator said. “Te Pāti Māori is already viewed by many floating centre-left voters as a dead rat to be swallowed in order to return a Labour-led government. Thanks to Ferris, the word “necessary” has now been removed from the sentence “Te Pati Māori is a necessary evil for a Labour-led government”. Who’d want to vote Labour if you get Ferris?”
A jubilant Luxon said Ferris’s contribution to the National-led coalition re-election will be honoured with a special celebration in Auckland this weekend. “I hope Tākuta shows up because it is really going to be a fun night,” Luxon said.
“My te reo is really terrible, but I’m gonna have a crack at doing a haka. As well -- and laid on just for Tākuta -- there’s going to be a magnificent smorgasbord of Indian, Asian, Black and Pakeha food.”
Devil applauds Willis’s refusal to meet “holier-than-thou vicars”
Satan says Finance Minister Nicola Willis will be “welcome in Hell anytime” after giving a party of annoying vicars the bum’s rush this week. Willis refused to meet a group of Anglican and Catholic priests who chained themselves together outside her Wellington office calling for sanctions on Israel and the recognition of a Palestinian state.
“Most people know that I’ve never had much time for Christians,” Satan said in a statement. “They’re so annoyingly upbeat and happy clappy.
“But these holier-than-vicars really got my goat, so it was terrifically good that Nicola did something as cheap and shameless as mocking them for wearing adult diapers and claiming that preaching peace and love is actually really ‘intimidating’.”
“It’s great to see that even with so few women MPs, the National Party still has room for a heartless Tory she-devil like Nic.”
Govt ponders Sky Stadium rule change to end All Blacks’ lose crisis
Psychics offer to find out government’s position on Palestinian statehood
The New Zealand Coven of Card Readers, Clairvoyants and Soothsayers has offered to give New Zealanders some idea of whether the country’s weirdly secretive coalition government is planning to back Palestinian statehood.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has refused to say whether his government backs the move, despite looking like a bunch of losers after Australia, Canada, the United Kingdom and 147 other countries have recognised, or planned to recognise, the state of Palestine. Luxon said New Zealanders would only find out when Foreign Minister Winston Peters announces the country’s position at the United Nations next week.
The president of the coven, Martin the Magician, said like most Kiwis he was “mystified” as to why our own government is refusing to tell us what we have every right to know.
“These people need to remember they are elected by us, they represent us and we should be told before it is announced to the rest of the world,” Martin the Magician said. “But we will find out. Our best tea-leaf reader is already working on it, and once she has finished her cuppa we will be able to confirm what many of us already suspect: that the Act Party is the pubic hair in this salad and Winston has been unable to swallow it.”
