Online only
Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
A memorial is to be held on the West Coast to mark the passing of New Zealand Labour after the 109-year-old party went missing without a trace some 20 months ago. Although no body has been located, the Wellington coroner this week declared the missing party deceased.
“Despite alleged encounters with members of the parliamentary media, the Labour Party has not been provably sighted by any member of the voting public since late 2023,” the coroner said in a statement. “Extensive hunts by army search teams, police sniffer dogs and global spy satellites have failed to find signs of life, such as effective opposition to the government’s increasingly anti-worker, anti-environment and anti-Māori policies. As such, I have no option but to declare the New Zealand Labour Party legally dead.”
In further comments, the coroner said that it was her belief that following the loss of Labour matriarch Dame Jacinda Ardern at the beginning of 2023, the party went into a steep political decline. It was last seen looking dazed and confused in late 2023 under its stop-gap leader, the sausage roll aficionado Chris Hipkins.
Labour had had no further contact with the voting public from around that time and had not issued a single new policy about anything since, the coroner said. It is believed the party had likely gone into a “deep mental funk” after its catastrophic showing at the 2023 election.
“A coroner has the power to declare a person dead in cases where there has been a major disaster and a body can’t be found,” the coroner said. “Obviously, Labour’s near-record 2023 election defeat by National was just such a disaster and no one has been able to find the body of the Labour Party since. I believe that after more than 20 months without a public sighting, it is safe to conclude the party has died somewhere in the political wilderness.”
Former members and supporters of the party will mark the passing at a gathering on Monday afternoon at New Zealand Labour’s birthplace at Blackball on the West Coast. In a tribute to the late party, a ceremonial vote will be held to decide whether a capital gains tax policy could have saved Labour from oblivion.
“It is a sad day for New Zealand,” one former party member said. “A mighty tōtara has fallen. And it did it without making a sound.”
Chris Bishop calls new Lorde album “a load of crap”
Another Kind of Politics’ Music Reviewer of the Year Chris Bishop says he is “not very bloody impressed” by the latest release from best-selling Kiwi pop singer Lorde. In his first major music review since the Aotearoa Music Awards in late May, Bishop has labelled Lorde’s new album Virgin “a load of crap”, and says he wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who liked “good” music like Cold Chisel and Men at Work.
“Call me a dickhead, but I don’t believe for a moment Lorde has got her V-plates intact, so it’s false advertising for a start,” Bishop told Another Kind of Politics by phone. “The first single What Was That was rubbish and made me think ‘what the bloody hell was that?’, which was kind of ironic, ha, ha, ha. As for the new single Hammer, I’d rather listen to Chisel. The rest of the album reminded me of being stuck in a disco while some woman moans on to me about her life.”
Virgin, released last Friday, has received almost universal praise internationally, with Rolling Stone calling it “nearly 40 minutes of undeniable pop bangers”, while The Guardian called it “powerful, moving, personal but universal – and packed with bangers”.
Bishop said he had found “no bangers” on the album only “a bunch of fizzers”, and would not be listening to Virgin again. “But I’m really hanging out for 10CC’s gig in Wellington next week. That’ll be rockin’. Do you want a review of that?”
The prestigious Golden Nitpicker Award for music review of the year was awarded to Bishop after his thoughtful critiques at the AMA ceremony where he labelled Stan Walker’s performance “a load of crap”, and claimed the singer had received “performative acclaim”. Renowned Kiwi musician and former Mutton Bird Don McGlashan confronted Bishop at the time, telling him to “shut up, you dickhead”.
Poll to ask what Judith Collins should lose next on her watch?
Minister For Losing Our Stuff Judith Collins is seeking public input on which vital, multimillion dollar, taxpayer-funded equipment should be lost next from her portfolios.
This week it was revealed that under Collins’ tenure as the country’s first Minister for Space, the MethaneSAT satellite, which the government put $29 million towards, was lost in space after going off course. This followed the sinking of the $103 million HMNZS Manawanui after it hit a reef in Samoa last October under her watch as Minister of Defence.
Collins’ office said the minister would now poll New Zealanders on what expensive piece of equipment should vanish or be misplaced next under her ministerships. A spokesperson said the minister was “ultra-keen to complete a ‘lost property hat trick’ by the next election”.
Political quiz of the week
What is Deputy Prime Minister and birthday boy David Seymour about to wish for when he blows out his candles?
A/ For equality, freedom and the tyranny of the minority.
B/ That he can stir up enough fear and loathing to win Act two more seats in 2026.
C/ For a time machine to go back to 1840 to rewrite the treaty with his “principles”.
D/ That the Prime Minister goes overseas again and never comes back.
