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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
The Workers First Union has declared war on a pet hate for many hard-working Kiwis: government ministers impersonating road and construction workers. The union says a “sea of ministers in high-vis” has prompted it to launch a complaints hotline to dob in MPs pretending to dig holes or drive diggers for publicity.
“Around this country at all times of the day or night you will find clusters of smug, hooraying government ministers standing around in high-vis vests and hard hats waving shovels about while posing in front of cameras,” a union spokesperson said.
“It’s bad enough these clowns are impersonating a government that cares about working people without them actually impersonating working people.”
The union spokesperson said most of the ministers involved appeared not to know which end of the shovel to hold, let alone how to go about digging a hole. She was also mystified as to why ministers always wore suits when pretending to dig holes.
“Frankly it is a disgrace. We encourage New Zealanders not to turn a blind eye and to ring the hotline whenever they see this sort gutless, heartless lampooning of honest, hardworking road and construction workers.”
The spokesperson said that upon receiving a complaint, the union would dispatch a flying picket of real road or construction workers to confiscate the shovels or diggers being used by ministers.
“The union is also considering sending workers to Wellington to occupy the government’s Beehive offices, where they will pretend to be ministers coming up with ways to further screw workers while pretending they care about ordinary Kiwis struggling with a record cost-of-living crisis.”
Minister for Backstabbing Women and Workers, Brooke van Velden, said she was unconcerned by the union’s hotline, calling it an attempt to stifle the right of government ministers like her to pretend to do meaningful work.
“In the past 20 months, I have eroded protections for vulnerable workers and undermined collective bargaining, restricted personal grievance remedies, scrapped the 30-day collective agreement rule to undermine unions and create divisions among employees, extended 90-day employment trials and rewritten pay equity rules to screw women. So I’m not scared of this little union and its little hotline.”
Those wanting to dob in a minister pretending to dig a hole or drive a digger should call 0800 SAD PHOTO OP.
Trump expels NZ trade minister after tariff bribe gaff
Tragic NZ tourist operator offers Taylor Swift his wedding venue
A desperate local wedding venue owner has offered to host global music phenomenon Taylor Swift’s upcoming nuptials. The billionaire singer made public this week that she and her big hunk of spunk Travis Kelce were finally tying the knot, causing fangirls and fanboys everywhere to pant with excitement on social media, including a Wellington man identifying himself only as “Chris L.”
Sitting in the back of an Uber, Chris L used a Facebook video post to congratulate the extremely wealthy couple and let them know his cut-price wedding venue was available for hire on most dates due to an extremely slow few years.
“Getting engaged is such an exciting time,” said Chris L in the clip. “I know you and Travis might not be thinking this far ahead, but there would be no better place in the world than to have the wedding here in New Zealand at my venue, The Hitching Post.
“The leaks have all been fixed in the banqueting shed. We have karaoke and a bucking bronco, and our catering is second to none. We also have, without doubt, the best and the most friendliest people in the world. And I bet Travis would love to watch the All Blacks lose another game on our big screen. So we hope to see you both here soon. Congratulations.”
Minister denies dummies used to boost police numbers
Police Minister Mark Mitchell has dismissed claims mannequins are being secretly deployed in a last-ditch attempt to meet the government’s promised 500 extra police by the end of 2025.
Sources have revealed some 450 crash-test dummies, retail store dummies, inflatable mannequins, puppets, life-sized cardboard cut-outs and scarecrows have already been allowed to “graduate” from the Royal New Zealand Police College as the government scrambles to meet its election-pledge deadline.
Most small rural stations throughout the South Island, Taranaki, Northland and Tairāwhiti are now thought to be manned by dummies, known by government insiders as “life-disadvantaged officers”. It is believed that the dummies are moved once a week to give the appearance they are real police.
The source claims even the police minister has now been replaced with a life-like mannequin.
On the minister’s behalf, a spokesperson denied the allegation hundreds of dummies were being used to bolster police numbers. “And we categorically reject that the minister is a retail store dummy. He’ll will be able confirm that himself as soon as we find out which mall he’s in.”
Political quiz of the week
What is Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour attempting?
A/ Swinging.
B/ The old line about him being Tarzan and her being Jane.
C/ A Calendar Girls audition.
D/ Rehab for an old twerking injury.
