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We live in a world where women still just can’t seem to get things right.
Let’s start with television personality Hilary Barry, who hosted an episode of Seven Sharp in a brown satin Kate Sylvester dress with a modest v-cut neckline, bunched sleeves, and a midi-length hem. I thought her attire was chic and understated, but what would I know?
As Aotearoa’s newest fashion critic, “John from Rangiora” wrote in a message to Hilary, she was showing “too much skin” which was clearly inappropriate for prime-time viewing. In a bid to show just how reasonable he was, John said he didn’t consider himself a prude. In fact, he had the backing of “other lady friends” and was “very liberal with most things” — just not visible necks on prime-time TV.
It’s easy to dismiss John as simply having a bad day. But unfortunately, there are many men out there who are insecure, untrusting, and overly preoccupied with women’s bodies, feeling the need to control their wardrobe choices.
Of course, this isn’t new. Ex-TVNZ staffers talk about the number of complaints they received “back in the day” about the sartorial choices of female presenters and hosts. I’m obviously naïve because I thought we’d moved on from this.
In a recent post in the Reddit forum r/TrueOffMyChest, a woman confessed to the grave mistake of being almost 40 while still owning backless tops and dresses.
According to the woman’s husband – yes, her husband – given her advanced age, it was time for her to dress more modestly. Secure in the correctness of his views, he thought it was time for a spring clean. He threw out the offending clothing while the wife was at work. I’d be calling my divorce lawyer; she did not.
Of course, it’s not just men who criticise women for their supposed misdeeds. Many women were quick to judge Catherine, Princess of Wales, after she delivered the news she has cancer. I saw it as a brave act from a future queen, but others were bewildered that Kate made the announcement without her husband, William, by her side. It turns out that a potential risk that the story was about to break may have lead to her moving fast, but why should Kate owe William a seat at the bench, especially when she’s the patient with her own personal battle to bear?
After all, for the everyday woman, it’s a sad truth that many partners don’t stick to the “in sickness and in health” vow. Statistics show that men are more likely to leave if their wives become seriously or terminally ill.
In all honesty, since marriage has historically been an institution designed to oppress women, we’re probably better off playing the system to our advantage.
I’m referring to Cuban American writer Grazie Sophia Christie’s recent article in New York magazine The Cut in which she extolled the merits of marrying an older man under the headline The Case for Marrying an Older Man: A woman’s life is all work and little rest. An age gap relationship can help.
Cutting to the chase, Christie’s thesis is that she could work hard to pursue – and hopefully achieve – her ideal existence or “just marry it early”. Which she did, choosing a partner just 10 years older than her but well settled in life.
According to the thousands who commented on the article, she’s 27 and wrong. One Instagram commenter suggested Christie’s article was written with “the smug certainty only true naïveté can afford”.
And in response to Christie’s description of her husband as a lover, mentor and friend, another commenter observed: “Your husband is your mentor? wtf. Pass.” (And that was one of the kinder comments.)
Christie explains that she purposefully chose her older husband, and there doesn’'t seem to be a sinister power imbalance at play. Among other things, she appears to have simply wanted to avoid dating 20-somethings she’d have to mother.
If being with an older man means Christie can live a financially stable life and lean on her husband for career advice instead of begrudgingly packing his suitcase before they go on holiday or reminding him to pick his towel off the floor, then I say props to her.
Regardless of your views on Christie’s marriage or the Princess of Wales’ broadcast or Hilary Barry’s dress, it’s clear that society still feels too comfortable judging women, from who they date to how they dress or share with the world devastating health information.
Perhaps this is what “the system” wants — keeping us focused on tearing each other down rather than taking back our power. Because ultimately, we know what’s best for us, not strangers on the internet or John from Rangiora.
