Online exclusive
MAFS relationship expert John Aiken joins listener.co.nz to share sound advice and top tips on finding and maintaining relationships. Here, he talks about “clingy couples” and the need for space so relationships can well and truly thrive.
It doesn’t happen in every relationship, but from time to time you’ll see a couple who are uncomfortably suffocating and clingy. They’re joined at the hip, and they seem to have to do everything together. There’s very little independence or space between them. Instead, they merge into one and depend on each other to survive.
If you think that sounds intense and heavy – it is. It might seem like an advantage to be so incredibly close and intimate with one another, but the truth is, it tends to burn things out. As much as couples need time together, they also need time apart. A balance is required so you can both enjoy a sense of teamwork as well as independence.
Getting this balance of togetherness and space can be easier said than done. This is one of the great challenges we all face maintaining a relationship. You want to be with your new partner, but at the same time you still want the chance to catch up with your mates. You’re happy to go out on exclusive romantic dates, but you also need to be able to meet the girls for brunch on a Saturday.
For many, there’ll be some speed wobbles early in your relationship, but eventually you’ll get there. You’ll come to the realisation you need a bit of both to be happy in a relationship – a balance of “me” time and together time.
However, for some, this is an impossible task. You end up going the other way, giving up your identity and merging into a suffocating ball of neediness and dependence.
There are countless problems with this type of relationship. For starters, you can tend to lose touch with most of your family and friends as you spend all your time with your partner. When you do catch up with them, it’s usually as a couple. You may struggle to make decisions separately, you can become possessive and clingy towards each other, and jealous when other things get in the way of your time together.
On top of this, a clingy relationship is time-consuming as you’re compelled to stay in daily contact with each other. You tend to lose the ability to make plans on your own, you become fearful of the relationship ending when you argue, you tend to panic if you don’t have regular sex, and the demanding nature of this clinginess can lead to feelings of exhaustion and being smothered.
So, if this sounds like you, or if you’ve had these types of relationships in the past, it’s a good time to change things up. While it might feel uncomfortable and a little frightening to break old patterns, these tips will help you learn to become more independent from your partner – and create a far healthier relationship for you both.
Catch up with friends/ family separately
When you were single, one of the things you had plenty of time for was catching up with friends and family. Now you’re in a relationship, they become less of a priority. Make a point of breaking this pattern by re-engaging with friends and family. Organise to catch up with them on your own regularly.
Develop your own interests
One of the elements that made you so attractive as a single person was your different interests and hobbies. However, these tend to drop away with the arrival of a new partner. So, it’s time to bring them back. Pinpoint some individual interests you will pursue, such as yoga, art or sports, and make time to do these without your partner being around.
Schedule regular alone time
You may think time apart will make your partner less interested but the opposite is true. Less is more. Separateness gives your relationship breathing space and allows you both to have your own life outside of each other. So, block out several regular times in the week where you will be on your own – for example, morning coffee, early exercise, reading on Saturday morning. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have anything planned, make sure you’re not in anyone’s company and get used to being on your own. At first it might feel weird but soon you’ll start to enjoy it. And it makes you miss each other more.
Limit texts, emails and calls
One of the biggest problems with clingy and smothering relationships is the amount of daily contact you have with each other by text, email, social updates, and even phone calls. Cut right back on all these methods of communication so you have something to discuss at night.
Stop threatening to leave
One of the problems with being in a clingy relationship is when you have an argument or hit a rough patch you can often fear the worst and worry the relationship will end. One or both of you may threaten to leave or bring up concerns about the future of the relationship. This only creates more clinginess and intensity. So, if you have a fight or challenges occur (and they will), make a pact to never ever discuss thoughts of ending things. Instead, have at least 30 minutes’ time out, come back together when you’ve both calmed down and answer this question, “How are we going to handle this differently in the future?”
Best known as one of the Married At First Sight’s experts, John Aiken trained in the field of relationships and has been working with singles and couples for nearly 30 years. He focuses on giving hard-hitting advice to empower people in their relationships. He is a speaker, runs exclusive retreats, and is a bestselling author. Elements of this article first appeared in John Aiken’s regular column in Next magazine.
