MAFS relationship expert John Aiken joins listener.co.nz to share sound advice and top tips on finding and maintaining relationships. Here, he talks about how the arrival of children can sometimes strain even the healthiest relationship and shares advice for regaining control.
I have lost count of the number of times I’ve heard couples complain that the major issues in their relationship started once the kids arrived. Rather than glowing about the positive impact of their children on them as a couple, they now confess to being more distant from each other than ever before.
Anyone who has had kids (myself included) will tell you just how big the changes are to a couple when children come into the mix. Before, it was just the two of you enjoying each other and having the flexibility to pursue your own interests. You might have enjoyed date nights, regular sex, long conversations, sleep-ins, weekends away, overseas holidays, big nights out and lots of shopping and restaurants.
You prioritised each other and made a point of connecting physically and emotionally. Now you’re dealing with sleep deprivation, lack of sex, constant instructions and reminders, kids sleeping in bed with you, escalating rows and no more sleep-ins. Finances become stretched, socialising might almost completely stop, there’s mess and chaos throughout the house, and date nights are over. Add to that the fact both of you are working, and you have the ingredients for major problems.
Not surprisingly, research shows 67% of couples report large-scale relationship dissatisfaction after the arrival of a child (Gottman). So, if you think having a baby is going to make you feel closer and reduce your current problems, you’re in for a surprise. It will likely place stress on the two of you like never before – and you need to be ready for it.
Specifically, you need to “child proof” your relationship so you have practical strategies in place to survive. If you already have kids, then there’s no time like the present to take back control as a couple. Here are some key strategies to help you on your way:
1. Prioritise couple-only time
To begin with, the quickest way to feel like a couple again is to lock in regular time together without the kids being around. That might be at night after they’ve gone to bed, at the weekend when your parents look after them for a couple of hours, or a date night when a babysitter’s on board. You may get up slightly earlier and have a coffee together before they wake. Get creative, but make sure you’re scheduling in constant time together – just the two of you.
2. Use support networks
Rather than trying to do all the childrearing on your own, make a point of getting some support. Think about enlisting the help of grandparents, uncles and aunts, friends and babysitters. Lean on people in your parents’ group, hospital support groups and anyone else who can share the load and give you strength.
3. Make time for affection and sex
This will probably be an area of your relationship that gets put on the backburner in the early stages of having children. You’re usually tired and strung out, sleep deprived, and rushing everywhere. However, it’s important to still create an intimate and supportive. That means initiating affection, cuddling on the couch, massage, going to bed at the same time, hand- holding and kissing on a daily basis. In time, when you’re both ready to start having sex again, set a night for this once a week/fortnight and take things slowly. This will become more regular – but it all starts with creating intimacy outside the bedroom.
4. Parent as a team
This is vital if you’re going to cope with kids and have a healthy relationship at the same time. Get on the same page with your parenting styles, household rules, approach to discipline, and enforcement of consistent boundaries. Whether it’s when to give out treats or not, or when to leave them to cry or not, agree on a plan and stick to it. Particularly avoid arguing in front of the kids. If you want to disagree with a decision by your partner, do this in private rather than undermining each other when the children are present. If you find it hard to get out of gridlock, keep asking, “How are we going to do this differently moving forward?” This gets you looking at solutions, not blame. Create a united front and this will in turn create a sense of respect and teamwork between you as a couple.
5. Have ‘kid-free’ talk
It’s so easy for you to get into the habit of always talking about your children to each other. It might be the wonderful little things they do every day, their new milestones or their developing friendships. Or it could be problems with daycare, the kids breaking rules, not sleeping or too much TV. Whatever the case, it’s generally about them and nothing about you as a couple. So, it’s important to ask questions about each other relating to things outside of the kids – work, friends, fitness, goals etc. Remember, you had lots to talk about before the kids arrived so tap back into this.
6. Express appreciation
To cope with the changes, you need to build a culture of appreciation between you and your partner. Reinforce your friendship. Focus on the good things each of you do each day and share these with one another. It’s far easier to dwell on mistakes, disappointments and frustrations, but this will only build resentment and you’ll drift apart. So, remember to say at least three appreciative things a day to your partner.
7. Share the load
When taking on parenting duties it’s important to realise you’re in this as a team. That means “we” not “me”. To show respect, equality and fairness, you need to divide the household and parenting responsibilities and share the load. It doesn’t have to be 50/50. Just agree on what works for both of you and do it. Get a list of chores and divide these in a considerate way so you’re working together and feeling supported.
8. Encourage independent “me” time
Somewhere in all of this it’s great to have the opportunity to pursue your own interests/goals. It might be painting, writing, reading, going to the gym, walking, or doing yoga on a Saturday morning. Whatever your passion, make time for it. Circle on your calendars a time once a week when both of you get to do something that’s purely for you. It means your other half will need to step up and take the load while you’re gone, but this will provide balance and allow you both to recharge your batteries.
9. Talk every day and listen
Parenting can be challenging at the best of times and to survive this you need to be able to vent. Where couples go wrong in this department is that while one person complains, the other tries to fix. Bad idea. The partner who’s doing the venting simply wants to be heard and validated, not given solutions. They want you to side with them and acknowledge how hard things are right now. No judgments. No advice. Get into the habit of talking 20 minutes each day and listening. Nod, ask questions, repeat what they tell you and validate their position. They need to know you’ve got their back.
10. Play tag team
Anyone who’s had kids will know there are times when you totally lose your patience and can’t stand to be in the same room with your child for a second longer. They’ve hit your threshold and you start to feel overwhelmed. At these times it’s important your partner tags in and takes over while you have time out. For them to say, “I’ve got this, you take a break and I’ll handle things from here” is incredibly supportive and shows a united front.
Best known as one of the Married At First Sight’s experts, John Aiken trained in the field of relationships and has been working with singles and couples for nearly 30 years. He focuses on giving hard-hitting advice to empower people in their relationships. He is a speaker, runs exclusive retreats, and is a bestselling author. Elements of this article first appeared in John Aiken’s regular column in Next magazine.
