Social media etiquette: Should you communicate with your children’s friends?

Social media: The general rights and wrongs of communicating on these platforms — be authentic, don’t troll — are well hashed out in 2024, but grey areas remain: the work group chat minefields, the perils for parents, the fraught choice to follow the boss. In the first of a series of social media etiquette guides, Catherine Sylvester asks experts what to do if a child or teenager — maybe your kid’s friend or a young relative — wants to follow or interact with you on social media, and what your obligations are if you follow them.

For many growing up, the mere thought of addressing a friend’s parent by their first name was inconceivable. It was always “Mr or Mrs so-and-so” unless they were close family friends. That they had a life of their own was unimaginable. Being interested in what that life might involve — even more so.

Today, navigating adult-child relationships in a social media world is not as straightforward. There are the legal and moral no-gos that are a given, but what of the more nuanced interactions or potential pitfalls the modern parent may encounter?

It’s been 18 years since the granddaddy of social media went public as Facebook opened its membership to anyone over 13. Twitter (now X) launched the same year followed by Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok in 2010, 2011, and 2016 respectively.

Meta, which owns Facebook, WhatsApp, Messenger, and Instagram, reported 3.19 billion daily users across its platforms for December 2023. That’s a lot of follows, views, likes and friend requests to successfully master.

So, as a parent of rangatahi under 18, what should you do if your child’s friend wants to follow you? And is it ever okay to follow them back? Or your friend’s kids?

Social media has opened access to others' lives in a new way. Photo / Alex Cairns

University of Auckland senior research fellow Dr Samantha Marsh has “quite a strong stance” on children staying off social media.

“I don’t think that adults outside of the family unit should be messaging children and have private access to your child.”

Marsh says “it’s hard” without rules or etiquette around this: “Everybody just kind of does what they want.”

Without research available, her advice is not to link with other parents’ children on social media.

If your child’s friend requests to follow you, Marsh suggests communicating to them through your child “as soon as possible” that you have a policy of not engaging through social media with their friends. She recommends they convey this in person.

‘Difficult and murky territory’

Parenting Place educator Holly Brooker says there is “lots to consider as to whether you want to put yourself in a position where you are accepting your children’s friends online”, and it can be “really hard work” having your child’s friends as followers.

“It might mean that you need to censor your online behaviour and what you post,” she says, noting that your kid’s friends might see you as a role model and some content may not be appropriate for under-18s.

Brooker says the connection to the child and their parents outside of social media is a factor to consider.

“It depends on the relationship you have with that child. If there’s someone that’s like family to you, that might be quite different than [someone] who is in your child’s sports team.”

Parenting educator Holly Brooker says the connection to the child and their parents outside of social media is a factor to consider when deciding whether to engage on social media.

If you do choose to be connected through social media, it’s important to maintain clear boundaries.

“You’re entering into really difficult and murky territory if you start engaging with your child’s friends online, particularly if there’s some kind of issue or drama or situation that you want to weigh in to.”

Brooker encourages adults to avoid “getting involved in any kind of online discussions” with the child’s friends, particularly through social media, with best practice being to contact the child’s parents in person to have “healthy, respectful conversation around the problem and how things might be able to be resolved in real life”.

Co-founder of advocacy group Makes Sense, Brooker says some parents are happy to accept friend requests from their child’s friends so they will be aware of what they are doing, but says it’s important to consider what actions they’d be comfortable taking should concerning behaviour arise.

“[It puts] you in a predicament about whether you should comment on it or not, or reach out to them if you’re concerned about their behaviour,” she says.

“If you don’t respond to something concerning, are you being complicit and not giving that child the support they might potentially need?”

Another consideration Brooker highlights is around the appropriateness of engaging online with a young person “as innocent as it might be” if they want to chat with you.

Brooker suggests parents speak with their children about the importance of not accepting friend requests from adults (and peers) they don’t want to.

Dos and don’ts:

DON’T follow children you aren’t related to without carefully considering if it’s appropriate

DO take care in communicating when declining a child’s friend request

DO consider what content you post if you have young followers

DON’T get into online discussions with children who aren’t yours

DO communicate respectfully with their parents instead

DO think about your responsibilities if you see concerning behaviour from a child online

DO talk to your kids about how to handle friend requests from adults.

Catherine Sylvester is a multimedia journalist at the Bay of Plenty Times and Rotorua Daily Post. She has a background in feature writing, radio and television, and has taught media at a tertiary level.