Merepeka Raukawa-Tait: Searching for errant partners

The Ashley Madison website has created much media interest recently. Photo / File

If anyone wants to know if I'm having an affair they only have to ask. Although why it should be of interest to them beats me.

That's why I find it strange there is this flurry of activity by people searching through the list of 22,000 New Zealanders whose names appear on the Ashley Madison stolen database. The database contained the names of 37 million people worldwide that used the cheating website.

New Zealanders weren't to be left off the list. To a certain extent I can understand the media interest.

What if some eminent and well-respected New Zealanders' names are there? Church and business leaders, politicians, sports heroes, academics.

Attention-grabbing stories make headlines and front page news. Name and shame seems to be an accepted method of outing people these days.

But I still find it hard to believe anyone really cares or is in the least bit interested in finding out who signs up looking for sex outside of their existing relationship.

Apparently a mean-spirited Christian group threatened Ashley Madison that it would hack their database if the site wasn't shut down. They didn't and it was.

Many Christians see it as their duty to damn others for behaviour they do not agree with. Yet they are not immune, particularly their leaders, from extramarital affairs.

Just last year in a nationwide survey of cities and states in the US to see which ones had the highest number of pornographic website users Salt Lake City came first, closely followed by the Midwest Bible belt.

I can only presume there must be sufficient interest in facts and figures to warrant the time and effort to go searching. And then putting it to the poor individuals who believed their information and details would remain private, that they were about to be exposed.

I suspect most would want to avoid embarrassment but wouldn't it be a blow if they declared "yes I'm on the lookout for casual sex so what's the big deal". The big deal is always of more interest to someone else than the person involved.

Spouses and partners are searching too to see if they have an errant partner. And if they have?

Then it must get tricky. Do you declare that sex has got stale and you just wanted a change, or deny that you knew anything about the website and how they got your details?

It could be a shock for some couples to read of the sexual preferences they never knew their partners had or wanted.

I suggest most couples know when the spice has left their sex life.

That being content with what they have is now a way of life. Because for the majority of couples a relationship is rarely just about sex. It's about the many little and big deeds and actions that demonstrate people care for each other.

Great sex is great. But if a relationship is based on that alone then of course when a person feels he or she has had their fill, they'll look around.

What they should do is the decent thing and move on. People get hurt. And people who love and care for someone don't want to hurt them.

Thinking you're in the clear or won't be found out will never give you peace of mind. And t Enjoyable sex happens when couples are free from stress, have no fear of being detected, and "when the earth moves" don't care who is listening.

-Merepeka lives in Rotorua. She writes, speaks and broadcasts to thwart the spread of political correctness.