Honesty is one of the keys when talking to children and teens about death. Photo / File
Tricia Hendry knows how overwhelmed some caregivers can feel when it comes to talking about death with their kids.
Not only is it an upsetting topic to talk about, but often the caregivers are having to do it without much preparation at a time when they themselves are grieving.
But Mrs Hendry, who is deputy chief executive of Skylight Trust, said the key was being honest, giving children "bite sized pieces of information" and being prepared for the fact that children grieve differently to adults.
Mrs Hendry said she often received calls from parents looking for ways to talk to their children, not only about death but other difficult topics, like impending death or family break-ups.
She said one of the key aspects was for parents to break up the information into "bite sized" pieces to make it easier to understand. Tailoring the information to the age was also important, she said.
"Parents are often anxious because they don't want to upset their children. They want to protect them."
Mrs Hendry said while the best policy was to be honest, caregivers did not need to give them the whole story.
"Keep it simple and straight."
Mrs Hendry said parents might find children asking the same questions over and over again and, as frustrating as it was for parents, it was a way of the children processing the information.
"It's a way of them thinking things through." Another important thing to remember was that children tended to grieve in "bursts", which could sometimes be a bit bewildering to parents.
She said they could react in a myriad of ways. Some might be upset or angry, while others might became excessive chatty or very well behaved, thinking that if they were good then everything would be okay.
Mrs Hendry said it was not unusual for a child who had been told bad news to want to know if they could still go to soccer practice or an upcoming sleep-over.
She said children processing death and grief often asked four key questions - did I cause this, who will take care of me, are we going to be okay, and could this happen to us?
Mrs Hendry said a lot of the time children were looking for reassurance and things like keeping a routine were really important.
Sometimes they would ask quite graphic, tough questions about what happened to bodies after death and similar things. While parents might be concerned, she said it was often a case that it was tougher for parents to answer the question than it was for the kids to hear the answers.
She said it was important to make sure children understood the information they were getting and did not get muddled up. Using words like "sleeping" and having "gone to a better place" should be avoided because it wasn't clear, she said.
In one case, a young person was terrified of visiting the graves of his grandparents because they had to go over a cattle-stop to get there. Somewhere along the line, someone had told him that he needed to jump when crossing the cattle-stop otherwise ghosts would get him.
"The graves didn't worry him, it was the cattle-stop."
Parents should not shy away from allowing their children to see them grieve, she said.
"It's very tempting to want to protect them, because you don't want to see the hurt in their eyes."
However, she said, if you could see your child was really struggling and red flags were raised, it was a good idea to speak to the family doctor or a school teacher or a childcare worker to see what they thought.
Mrs Hendry said the Skylight Trust operated a service where tailored information packs were sent out to families depending on their circumstances and also offered a helpline on weekdays.
They can be reached by calling 0800 299 100 or email www.skylight.org.nz.