Having a son or daughter who's experiencing a particularly rough patch, whether it's depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, or any number of ills that can strike at any time, affects the whole family.
"You're only as happy as your saddest child," a friend told me this week, after describing symptoms of his teen's depression.
We love to say children are resilient, and for the most part, they are. But there's a limit to what any of us, no matter what age, can endure.
Our kids are growing up with an unprecedented event - global lockdowns and reopenings as Covid-19 continues its 2020 world tour. They missed friends in quarantine, school, sports and other activities. We're told peer interaction is crucial for healthy adolescent development, yet we skipped most face-to-face interactions for nearly two months of lockdown to stop coronavirus from spreading.
Being a teenager is hard enough without the world in freefall: earthquakes, a terrorist attack, global protests and riots and of course, the pandemic.
On the flip side, many children enjoyed isolation with their families, without the stress of tests and tight schedules. Some of these kids would prefer to stay home. But we're in level one, so it's all go. Back to school. Back to work. Back to sports trainings, clubs, meetings and parties. Even Miss 16's school ball is on again. We can put challenges and fears of isolation behind us.
Except we can't.
An article in the Journal of Child Psychiatry and Mental Health last month said contact restrictions and economic shutdowns could threaten the mental health of children and adolescents significantly. We've already seen evidence of this among our own family and friend networks. While we've had opportunities to bond with our loved ones, sometimes disadvantages of pandemic fallout outweigh benefits.
The journal said beyond anxiety, lack of peer contact and reduced opportunities for stress regulation, another main threat to kids' mental health is an increased risk for parental mental illness, domestic violence and child maltreatment.
"Especially for children and adolescents with special needs or disadvantages, such as disabilities, trauma experiences, already existing mental health problems, migrant background and low socioeconomic status, this may be a particularly challenging time."
A recent article in The Guardian quoted University of Canterbury retired associate professor in child health Kathleen Liberty, who said, "Research has shown it's the accumulation of traumatic events in childhood that's one of the highest risk factors for the onset of many adult health problems".
She said three or four such events are an "extremely strong" predictor of the onset of problems in your 20s and 30s, or even before.
Being a teenager is hard enough without the world in freefall: earthquakes, a terrorist attack, global protests and riots and of course, the pandemic.
I remember the angst and anxiety I lived with as a teenager in the United States in the 80s, worrying not just about grades, boyfriends (or lack thereof) and my parents' loud arguments, but also fretting about the cold war and nuclear annihilation. Also, there was acne. Just when I thought life had kicked me in the teeth (right after I got my braces tightened), I'd wake up with a painful red just-under-the-surface cyst. On my nose. Ugh.
At best, these issues are a recipe for temporary bouts of heartache.
Some young adults who were already struggling, pre-pandemic, with complicated family situations, studies and relationships have sunken into the abyss, beyond their coping zone. Waiting at the bottom - depression and anxiety which might require measures to guard against self-harm like hospitalisation and medication. Good students who had healthy relationships with family and friends just months ago can also suddenly fall into despair.
This is why we keep asking, "Are you okay?" We listen for the answer. Or sit with silence, which is sometimes all the explanation a teenager will provide.
How to help? Think of something you know your loved one would appreciate, then suggest it. Saying "let me know what you need," is pointless. When sadness becomes crisis, the last thing I can produce is a spreadsheet showing who needs to bring what, when and where. That's when the to-do list shrinks. Left foot. Right foot. Sleep (a lot). Shower (maybe). Eat. Repeat.
Back to the kids: It can be challenging to know what is typical teenage sadness and when to call for help. Experts say up to 20 per cent of teens may experience a major depressive episode during adolescence.
Behaviours that may warrant a visit to the doctor include physical complaints, social withdrawal, academic decline, substance use and self-criticism.
Sometimes, teenage melancholy is about more than the usual heartaches and hormonal fluctuations; sometimes, it's depression. To all those parents and grandparents struggling to help a kid - you're doing the best you can. Cut everyone - including yourself - a massive amount of slack. We're all first-timers to this particular episode of history.
Left foot. Right foot. Sleep. Shower. Eat. Repeat.
Where to get help:
• 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) (available 24/7)
• https://www.lifeline.org.nz/services/suicide-crisis-helpline
• YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633
• NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 (available 24/7)
• KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• WHATSUP: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757 or TEXT 4202
• NATIONAL ANXIETY 24 HR HELPLINE: 0800 269 4389
