Woo hoo, it's not just a new year it's a new decade. Time to crack the pupa of the old you and unfold the brilliant wings of the new you to delight and astonish the world.
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Got goals? Of course you've got goals. The new you is as driven by goals as Lionel Messi. And the good news is that I've got all you need to start banging those goals in, left foot, right foot, even headed goals for which you'll soar above the defender, curl your neck like a striking cobra, meet the ball flush on the forehead and send it deep into the net of happiness - the ball, that is, not the forehead - while the goalkeeper of misery flounders like a flounder and the crowd gets to its feet with a roar and chants your name like 100,000 nurses calling you from the waiting room to be seen by Dr Fulfilment.
And the person who steps through the doctor's door is the new you of 2020, so let's get on with it. Let's start with health.
The new you will be achingly healthy. How? Clarity of mission is the answer. The old you meant well but lacked focus. The old you was unsure, for example, what diet to follow. The old you got on to raw food just as everyone went plant-based.
The old you went paleo only to find that the world had gone keto. The old you got confused, got discouraged, and in confusion and discouragement gave up and ate the wrong stuff at the wrong time in the wrong way and got fat. No one could blame the old you. But the new you won't need to fret about fat or blame.
Introducing the electronic diet-predictor. Just type in the date and it'll tell you what diet's in vogue. There are only four diets: meatless, fatless, carbless and a bit less of everything.
The names change but the diets don't. With the diet predictor not only will you change diet in lockstep with everyone else, but you'll also store the food from your previous diet safely in the freezer in the sure and certain knowledge that it will soon come round again with a new name.
You'll be richer, slimmer, more at ease. Can you already feel the sun on those wings of yours? Can you see the ball bulging the net?
But the new you can't live by diet alone. You are an economic creature, a dynamic businessperson, but one who has never quite realised your executive potential. The old you bought all the books, of course, but somehow never became the chief executive of your own life.
You continued to sweat the small stuff and despite your fierce adherence to the seven habits of the effective manager you remained grubbing around at the foot of the corporate ladder looking up at the shoe-soles of the climbers and wondering how they did it. Wonder no more.
Your problem is clutter. The mess of business books reflects the mess that is your mind. An executive's mind in 2020 is as tidy as his office and vice versa.
Introducing the integrated business-book storage solution for the new you. Wall-mounted for convenience this modular system comprises shelves of varying heights to accommodate all business books. Get your office and your mind sorted for the new decade. Score those goals. Flap those wings.
But what good is a body as slim as a stick on the top rung of the corporate ladder if it encloses a spiritual desert?
Do you enclose a spiritual desert?
Does tumbleweed blow through your interior monologues?
Are you bereft of holistic wellbeing?
Are you overwhelmed by the choices in the spiritual supermarket? Do you struggle to choose between yoga and pastrami?
Does the peace of god pass your understanding?
Do you yearn without knowing where to turn?
Do you fear that whenever you take one spiritual avenue you may be spurning another that leads to the plateau of contentment?
Introducing our multifaith counsellor. Just type in your spiritual malaise - ennui, torpor, sense of futility - and the machine offers instant counselling from every spiritual leader who has ever been, from Lao Tse to Uri Geller via Jesus, Buddha, and the chief executive of the First Mormon Bank.
All you do is choose from the smorgasbord of uplift. The tumbleweed will scatter. Your spiritual desert will bloom like the Ellerslie Flower Show. Your wings will unfurl and glint in the sun. The ball's as good as in the net.
Just call our team at the columnar office and they'll be happy to help. You know it makes sense. Happy new you.