Readers, do I have big news for you?
Starting immediately, if not sooner, I will be launching my own Black Friday sale. What is a Black Friday sale, you ask? I don't really know but I'm still having one. It's what you do.
What will I sell? Words from my columns. Every word will be on sale and the reductions will be huge. You will be able, for example, to buy a definite article for 50 per cent off.
No, let's make that 80 per cent off. Oh, all right, we'll throw in a handsome set of cutlery. And a barbecue.
But only during the Black Friday season so don't dilly dally.
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If you want to buy a big word, the savings will be even greater. "Phosphorus" will earn you savings of 90 per cent and "phosphorescent" will see you saving 95 per cent.
Get up into the realms of words like "incomprehensibilities" and you will be earning yourself 100 per cent off. That's right, I will give you the word free of charge. Even bigger words will see you getting a rebate. I will pay you to take the word away.
That's what Black Friday sales are all about.
You're probably wondering how long this mega-offer will last. Well, because it's a Black Friday sale, it will go for several weeks and then it will be extended. For your convenience, I will extend my sale until March 2020 and then, if things are going really well, I will extend it further until Black Friday 2020.
This will mean that they run together, which ultimately could mean that life becomes one permanent Black Friday sale. It'll be a bit like Briscoes. (It's a standing joke in our house to say, "I see Briscoes are having a sale.")
Having said that, I should point out that Mrs D bought something from Briscoes last week and was shocked – nay, horrified – to find that on that particular day they weren't having a sale. When she later saw the same item in the supermarket at a lower price she resolved to shop more carefully in the future and keep an eye out for Black Friday bargains.
So, what are the origins of Black Friday? I simply had to do some research to find out.
Apparently it all started with Christopher Columbus, who wondered why the day after Thanksgiving felt so dark and dull so he called it Black Friday and sold off some of his fleet at bargain prices.
Then nothing much happened until the 1960s when businessmen saw the potential to make money by having sales at which things were sold at normal retail price but labelled "specials". This worked a treat, which brings us right up to the present day when French MPs want Black Friday banned in their country (France).
They claim it promotes a shopping frenzy which causes "resource waste" and "overconsumption".
The issue will be debated in the French National Assembly next month but France's e-commerce union has condemned the move and plans to offer berets at hugely reduced prices (free baguette with every purchase).
The New Zealand government has responded by saying it plans to put a ban on Boxing Day sales which extend beyond Easter of the following year.
So, if you want a word from this column, be in quick before the government comes down on me like a ton of bricks. Buy two definite articles and an adjective and I'll throw in a free verb.
Oh, all right. And a barbecue. As long as you complete your purchase before the end of the Black Friday promotion, which closes ... hang on a minute while I check.
Sorry, I'll have to get back to you about the closing date.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.