The ABC of wine

I'm a tad obsessive when it comes to newspapers. My husband (bless him) will testify to this as he's the one who bears the brunt of it when the newspaper does not arrive on my driveway by 6am every morning.
"Where the hell is it?" I'll wail, stomping back in through the front door for the fifth time.
"It'll be here soon, just come back to bed, or watch telly or make breakfast or something," he says.
"What? Are you nuts?" I tell him. "You know I can't do any of those things unless I've read a newspaper - or preferably two newspapers - first."
Newspapers are my drug, I struggle without them, my anxiety levels are atrocious at the best of times, but no newspaper means I'm a complete cot-case.
How can I relax when we're at the beach on holiday and the local store doesn't sell newspapers until 10am?
Public holidays with no newspapers in the shops? I can't stand it.
Soaking up information is what I do best - although retaining it is still very much a handicap - so the thought of launching into the day without learning something new is enough to send me sideways.
Hence I'm reaching out to other "info-obsessives" with a wee glossary of wine terms that I thought would be really helpful for those who want to sound a little more learned when with their flash friends this festive season.

Acidity
Acidity is part of the structure of wine, giving it lift and intensity. Without acidity, wines taste flat or flabby. However, too much acidity can make them squint-inducingly tart.

Aroma
Also known as the "nose" of a wine, it includes all the various smells you get when sniffing the wine.

Balance

Means that all the components of the wine (acid, alcohol, tannin, fruit-flavours) should all be in equilibrium. When all the parts harmonise, a wine will be more elegant and complete.
Barnyard
A better way than saying that your wine smells like poo. This can often be attributed to a harmless bacterium called Brettanomyces, or Brett for short. Some people actually like a bit of this character in their wine.
The French, for example.

Body

How does the wine feel in your mouth? A light-bodied wine slides across your palate softly and delicately, while a full-bodied wine feels heavy and hefty in your mouth.
Carbonic maceration
A process where whole grapes are fermented without breaking the skins. The flesh of the grape starts to ferment inside the skin producing a wine that is more light and fruity and ready to drink quickly. Beaujolais nouveau is made this way, but some slightly sweeter pinot noir's may be as well. Just saying "I suspect a touch of carbonic in this red", will make people believe that you are a total connoisseur.

Chewy
A chewy wine is big and meaty, feeling like a meal in itself rather than a soft, delicate wine. Commonly used for big reds like cabernet, syrah and malbec.
Coarse
If sipping a wine feels more like you're scrubbing the insides of your cheeks with an emery board, then of course you can say it's coarse. The wine may taste "hard" and unpleasant because its acidity, alcohol, and tannins are all out of whack.
Complex
My favourite wine descriptor ever. Suppose Sebastian, your snobby brother-in-law from Remuera, says: "So, Bruce, how do you feel about this hideously expensive Central Otago pinot?" Regardless of the fact that you haven't got a clue what it smells or tastes like, you can say, "Well, Sebby, old son, it's a very complex wine. In fact, I'm utterly intrigued by the layers of complexity." Cue thoughtful nods of agreement from all in the room.
Corked
This is a confusing wine-tasting term these days because, thanks to screwcaps, when was the last time you drank anything with a cork? Essentially, it means that the wine has been exposed to the compound TCA (2,4,6-trichloroanisole) which has infected the cork. If your wine smells like musty, wet cardboard then take it back to the shop.
Extracted/extraction
Extraction is the process of taking the flavour, colour and tannin out of the grape skins while they're being soaked in the grape juice during fermentation. It's a similar process to steeping tea. If a wine tastes too harsh you could say, "This wine is both coarse and a tad over-extracted".
Expectorate

Let's just call this what it is - spitting. And when you sample a lot of wines in one go, you really need to expectorate, unless you plan to sleep overnight at the tasting room. Practising in the shower will reduce the incidence of unsightly dribbles and carpet stains.
Finish
The flavours of a great wine should linger pleasingly on your palate for a decent few seconds after you swallow. A bad finish is one which disappears quickly "short" or has "off" flavours (bitter, astringent), which are not appealing.

Intense
An intense wine explodes in your mouth with punchy flavours that make a real impression. Even light-bodied sparkling and white wines can have great intensity.

Oaky
Describes a wine with noticeable oak aromas and flavours, which derive from the barrels in which wine has been fermented and matured. "Toasty" is how some people describe oaky wines

Velvety
A velvety wine is one that is soft, smooth and plush like velvet. The best wines will have a great mouthfeel, being silky, slippery or velvety in texture.