A flow-on effect of the Covid-19 lockdown has meant grieving families are unable to gain comfort from loved ones. Photo / File
How many of us have dug out all the old puzzles during lock-down? How frustrated and annoyed have you been when you get to the end of the puzzle and there are a few pieces missing? It's incomplete, unfinished and you have a feeling of defeat!
This is how I have felt during the level 4 lockdown period when it comes to providing families with a funeral.
Level 4 lockdown has meant that all funerals and tangi have been unable to proceed. This has caused heartache and pain for many families.
There are many emotionally complex parts that make up a loved one's final journey - the viewings, the ceremony, the music, the flowers, the symbols, the community support, the eulogies and many other things.
Without the funeral these parts are missing and the puzzle is not complete. We have tried our best to provide as many of these things to our families as possible.
We have tried some innovations in attempting to deliver this sense of completeness, but it all falls short of what we usually provide in this time of need.
In the first week and a half of lockdown the restrictions allowed nothing to take place; no viewings, no one to attend a burial or cremation. Only our staff were able to be present. This felt very wrong for all involved and caused all sorts of distress.
After much lobbying from our industry the government considered our concerns.
After reviewing the situation the reins were loosened, but only slightly. Now we can have limited viewings and attendance to burials or cremations.
The limitations extend to only those who were in the deceased's bubble at the time of death. This is still extremely hard on our families. These bubbles are usually very small, because of rest home or hospital restrictions, at times only one or two people, sometimes no one at all.
When we move to level 3 things will expand a little, with gatherings of up to 10 people permitted.
I understand why the Government has done what it has. It is for the betterment of the whole nation and it is working. Yet, when you're on the front line of these restrictions, the reality is hard to face and administer.
I'm pleased we had our livestreaming channel already up and running long before lockdown. It has enabled us to involve more of the extended family and include friends.
It still falls short of the personal engagement we would usually have but it goes a long way in connecting with others.
All this has made me reflect on what we do in the funeral industry, the true value of a funeral, the reasons behind why we have a funeral and what we gain from them.
When someone we love dies, we grieve. It's a natural human response to death. Yet when we grieve but don't mourn, we deny ourselves something that is vital, an outlet for our emotions.
The sadness felt can be overwhelming. The many other emotions associated with grief can fester up inside us. This may cause ongoing issues for our mental wellbeing.
Mourning is the physical act of grief and it helps us heal.
Funerals are the beginning of this essential rite for those who have lost a loved one. It helps us get off to a good start and sets our mourning in motion. They help us reflect and remember a person who has died but the benefits are very much for the living.
• Funerals are a special place and time to support one another in grief.
• Funerals are a community social gathering. They bring people together who cared about the person who has died.
• Funerals help us begin to accept in our heads the finality of death. Beginning a process to allow us, in time, to be able to accept it with our hearts.
• Funerals allow us to convert our relationship with the person who has died. From one of presence to one of memory.
• Funerals are a time to reflect on our own lives. To think about what we value and how we will spend our remaining days.
• Funerals allow us to come together and share memories. We learn new things about the person who has died and see how they touched others' lives
• Funerals help us embrace the mystery and wonder of life and death and remind us of the preciousness of life.
All these things and many more, benefit our mental wellbeing, allowing us to make healthier choices as we journey through our own individual walk with grief. Every family's journey is different and unique.
We acknowledge other transition points in life, with 21st birthdays, weddings and anniversaries.
Death is life's final transition point, and a funeral helps complete the puzzle. Because we are all unique our puzzle pieces will be different shapes and sizes. Some families will have a simple five-piece puzzle and others will be a complex 1500 piece one. Our job is to make sure that all the pieces are there so they can complete their puzzle. If a piece is missing it will feel incomplete and unfinished for them.
A funeral director is often referred to a gatekeeper of the funeral ritual. This gatekeeper hasn't liked the gates being forced shut or even left slightly ajar. We would rather they be wide open allowing anything a family needs to complete their puzzle.
Covid-19 has caused issues throughout the community on all levels.
On our level, it has meant that grieving families have had to sacrifice this precious time with their loved ones, sacrificed their ability to say goodbye in the way they need to.
These sacrifices will benefit many and we thank them for their sacrifice.