As I lie prostrate on the ground in supplication and torment, I beg anyone with any power at all ... just bloody well elect a US president NOW, please.
With only days to go I feel like even one more so-called 'news' story about America's filthiest election ever will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I will personally get on a plane, fly to America and mow down either candidate just to leave one of them standing and end the agony of enduring more muck-slinging.
(And just because I'm talking about the touchy United States here, can I make it quite clear I mean 'mow down' in the putting, ride-on John Deere way, not the semi-automatic one.)
Way back close to when time first began and Donald Trump squared his shoulders, smoothed back his hair plugs and raised his age-spotted hand to announce he was running for president, I found the whole scenario of a sexist, racist, elitist, celebrity real estate tycoon wanting to lead the free world rather entertaining.
But that was 16 long, long, looooong months ago and since then my smile has been turned upside down along with any respect I had for the political system of the world's largest super power.