STRAIGHT TALK: We'll be drowning not waving, council

WELL colour me blue and call me a Picasso - if a big wall of white water hit Papamoa and the Mount we'd all be stuffed.
That's according to a tsunami map released last week by Civil Defence. People have been shaken by the extent of the damage that could be done by 4m and 6.75m tsunamis, which would basically wipe Tauranga's coastal strip off the map.
The two councillors who may be representing the Mount-Papamoa ward after the coming election - David Stewart and Wayne Moultrie - have accused Civil Defence of failing to anticipate public reaction with the maps' release.
They say an evacuation plan should have been publicised at the same time. Well hello, you two, there is no plan.
Despite the fact that we've had two serious warnings in the past two years - and there is a one in 682 probability of a worst-case tsunami coming this year - the people who have the job of protecting us and guiding our escape from the beach suburbs have gone missing.
They are waiting on something called community response.
What? We, the community, have been waiting on you to get off your backsides and tell us how to get out of Papamoa.
If a big wave comes we have three ways out of Papamoa. Three roads for 20,000 people in the colder months, three roads for 80,000 people in summer.
We will die. And you will still be waiting for our response. Perhaps we can contact you through a medium or ouija boards?
Maybe we can leave you a note in our wills ...
The Bay's emergency management chief Greg Wilson said the tsunami maps were released to generate community interest.
Well I don't know what planet he is living on but we in Papamoa have been exceedingly interested in evacuation procedures for at least two years.
We are also really interested in hearing our tsunami-warning sirens but there seems little chance in that ever occurring.
And as for tsunami alerts via text - ha, we've given up on that. There are so many families and old people living in the coastal strip it is going to take a long time to evacuate us all. A four-hour warning is the absolute minimum time needed to get us out.
Now considering a killer wave could hit us at any time, it's good to know that those looking after our welfare expect to give us an evacuation plan ... by November.
Well, that's what they say, and I for one won't be holding my breath. After all, I'll need to do that when a 4m monster tsunami sweeps into town next week!
I don't have a lot of confidence in the education authorities of this country. However, I have to applaud their latest plan to keep kids at school longer and get them more interested in learning.
Instead of nagging them into stretching their tiny brains and filling their minds with information they are giving them at-school training for their future careers.
The best one I have heard of is at Manurewa Intermediate in Auckland, where a 12-year-old has taken up his family trade with enthusiasm.
The little wheeler and dealer was caught with a kilo of dope in his classroom desk, given to him by a relative so he could sell it to his friends.
Now a kilo of South Auckland green is worth a gentle $7000, which is not a bad little earner for someone yet to hit his teens.
Of course, the school was horrified - possibly at the success of their new learning programme - but one wonders how it took the smell of the stuff being smoked by 12-year-olds to alert staff.
And, not that I would know how the stuff smells, but I'd suggest a kilo bag of dope in an enclosed space would give off enough of an aroma to be discovered.
So the Taleban scum are showing their true colours again. The fanatical killers of Islam have decided that a team of doctors were such a threat to their religion they shot them by the side of a road.
Eight medicos - one a female British doctor who was due to be married this month - were murdered as they were on their way to help the poorest Afghanis.
The Taleban claimed responsibility for the massacre, saying the doctors were Christian missionaries.
Anyone who questions the sacrifices of Western troops fighting the Taleban in Afghanistan should keep in mind that those primitive savages who kill defenceless medical workers will butcher tens of thousands of people if they ever get back into power.