Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of The Max Key fashion shoot

At the end of the day I'm an individual, and no one will tell me how to express myself.

John Key

At the end of the day I think most New Zealanders have posed for photoshoots in their underwear while holding a cigarette. I mean you have to hold on to something and the alternative in that kind of situation could be a bit embarrassing.

Metiria Turei

If the Prime Minister's son thinks it's all right to promote smoking, then perhaps he should beg for our forgiveness. He should apologise to everyone who has lost a loved one to cancer. In many ways he's responsible for their deaths and I'm sure that Labour leader Andrew Little agrees with me.

Andrew Little

I'll get back to Metiria on that one but perhaps the issue at stake here isn't really about smoking. It's about immigration. We have to cut back on work permits for immigrants. It's important that Kiwis have first crack at jobs.

I'd hate to see Max Key losing out on modelling work to someone buff from another country, and I'm sure Metiria agrees with me.

Donald Trump

Everyone's talking about this kid Max Key and how hot he is, but I'm not fooled. Take a closer look at the photos. I think I know what you're thinking and it's up to The Donald to say it out loud: the kid looks as though he might be Mexican.

He's certainly very dark-skinned and his hair is definitely very black. He's wearing a bandana. Well, we all know what that means. He's advertising the fact that he belongs to a gang and if you do your homework, really dig down deep, you'll find that most gangs are made up of Mexicans.

Furthermore, most Mexicans belong to gangs.

But the thing which really clinches it is that he's holding what appears to be a cigarette but is in fact what Mexicans call a "joint". So here we have a Mexican drug addict who has infiltrated the highest office in the land of an unimportant country a long way from here. Well, I've got a message for New Zealand. I don't want any part of you. When I'm elected President of the United States of America, I'm going to build a wall under the sea.

Hillary Clinton

I want to send a message to that young man we're all talking about.

I am on your side, Max Key.

I have learned about your background of disadvantage and the challenges you have faced.

I know that you are writing a new chapter of your story. I will read it.

I hear you, Max. I see you.

And as the next President of the United States, I want you to know that I will always have your back.

I also want to send a message denying that I placed my State Department email in a secret private server and wrote on it, "Put your clothes back on and stop smoking."

Vladimir Putin

I think this little boy Max Key thinks he is pretty tough. I want to tell Max Key that I could kick his " how you say " ass.

I am Russian man. I am strong, invincible. I take part in judo contests. I play ice hockey. Plus I could steamroll Nato forces in little over 60 hours, and will continue to deploy troops westward or anywhere I choose.

And so I am not worried by this schoolboy who thinks he is pretty hot.

Every day I strip down to my underwear and wear a bandana and pose in front of the mirror. I look way better than that goddamned brooding punk with his cut body and his abs and his flat stomach and his ...

Tomorrow we invade New Zealand.

Max Key

At the end of the day I'm an individual, and no one will tell me how to express myself.