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Home / New Zealand

The secret diary of ... the PM

By Steve Braunias
NZ Herald·
19 Dec, 2014 04:00 PM4 mins to read

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Packing the right golf clubs are a holiday priority for Max and John Key. Picture / Instagram

Packing the right golf clubs are a holiday priority for Max and John Key. Picture / Instagram

Monday

Christmas! Who's got time for it? My phone keeps ringing, because everyone has my number.

I was in talks with Bill English today when the phone rang. I said to him, "I'm going to have to take this. It could be important."

Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't really listen to me. He laughed, and said, "Riddle me this! When is a surplus not a surplus?"

I said, "Hello?"

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It was Cameron. He said, "Yo dawg sup LOL."

Bill said, "When it's not a surplus! Get it?"

I said, "What?"

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Cameron shouted, "Yo dawg sup LOL."

I said, "I heard you the first time. Couldn't you have just sent that as a text?"

He said, "Don't you like it when I phone you up?"

I said, "Of course I do."

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He began to cry. "You told the media that bloggers weren't a big part of your day."

Bill said, "A surplus is surplus to requirements!"

I said, "Can you put a sock in it?"

Cameron began to howl.

I said, "No, I didn't mean you!"

He said, "Say you're sorry!"

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I said, "I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it."

"Okay," he whimpered, and said goodbye.

I turned to Bill.

He said, "I'll just say that it's a surplus."

I said, "What are you talking about?"

Sometimes he does actually listen to me. He laughed, and said, "I have no idea."

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The phone rang.

Tuesday

The tragic events in Sydney confirm my government's resolve to maintain surveillance on suspected highly-organised terrorist death cult militant Islamic factions posing as lone gunmen.

Wednesday

Office party! Everyone was in high spirits. It's been a great year for National.

Cameron was there, of course. We hugged, and he said, "Yo dawg sup LOL." He could have just sent a text, but it was good to see him, Jason Ede, and Carrick Graham. The old gang!

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Secret Santa gave me two books. Everyone cheered when I unwrapped John Key: Portrait of a Prime Minister. "Looks like a good read!", I quipped.

The room went silent when I unwrapped Madmen: Inside the Weirdest Campaign Ever.

Thursday

There's just so much reading piled up on my desk. I picked up a brochure at the top of the pile, and read, "With a sleek and striking look, CG Black irons are engineered for maximum distance and forgiveness. Their multi-material construction incorporates a thin, high-strength ti face for increased ball speed and maximum distance."

Only $11,999.99.

Then I looked at the next page of the brochure, and read, "The distance standard in irons was set in 2013 with the X Hot Irons. The new high-water mark is now owned by Callaway's X2 Hot Irons. It provides the same domination in the hitting bay, on the range, and on the course."

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A bargain at $1099.99.

The piece of paper beneath that was a briefing on that cameraman who has filed papers at the High Court signalling his intention to sue me for libel. But I didn't have time for that, because I had to get prepared for a hard-hitting interview on live TV with Paul Henry. We joked a lot about his taste in jackets. LOL!

Friday

Up early to get prepared for a hard-hitting interview on live radio with Leighton Smith.

Drove home afterwards. The sun had come out in Auckland for the first time in over a week. Everyone had smiles on their faces. They were thinking about Christmas, and time with their families, and looking forward to a great New Zealand summer.

Me, too. At the end of the day there's not a lot of difference between summer in New Zealand and summer in a $5.6 million three-storey townhouse (private lift, limestone floors, waterfall and grotto) in Maui.

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I packed the CG Black Irons and X2 Hot Irons - I just couldn't decide! - and set off the airport. I held Bronagh's hand. "Love you, John," she said.

A perfect moment, and then I checked my carry-on bag. God-dammit to hell! I took the wrong book.

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