There's no shame in saying sorry

Minister for Treaty Negotiations Chris Finlayson reads out the Crown's formal apology to Ngati Kuri at the deed of settlement signing at Waiora Marae earlier this year.

Following on from last week's article on forgiveness, it makes sense to consider the other side of the coin - the power of the apology.

I often marvel at the inability of some people to say "I'm sorry" and the effort they will go to, in avoiding this simple sentiment.

In particular, I remember when an eminent Australian judge was caught speeding. The elaborate lengths that he went to in trying to get out of the fine were remarkable.

It started with him saying someone else was driving - a friend from America. However, the media investigated and it was discovered that this friend had actually died three years earlier. Whoops - best that you find someone alive if you are going to blame them for speeding in your car.

Then he said it was actually another friend with the same name, who couldn't be found, and on it went. My point being - wouldn't it have been far better to have fessed up and delivered a heart-felt apology (or a contrived apology if need be) in the first place?

Sometimes, despite the obvious need to say sorry, it still doesn't happen ... or it takes a very long time.

For example, in Australia the government was reluctant to say sorry for their involvement in the stolen generation (where aboriginal children were "stolen" from their parents and given to white families for a supposedly "better life"). I understand that this was a political decision, as the repercussions of saying sorry were quite consequential for the Australian government. But aren't there times when you have to own up to your mistakes, suffer the consequences and just do the bloody right thing?

Wouldn't it be awesome if more of us felt the courage to say sorry when we needed to?

I think it would facilitate more forgiveness, and this would certainly strengthen community relationships.

I am a big advocate for saying sorry as part of good manners. Even if you aren't directly responsible for an offence, you can still be sorry for the disappointment that it has caused the other person.

A while ago I had ordered a dress for an important occasion, but the dress didn't arrive in time and I was gutted. It wasn't really the shop's fault but the shop attendant said: "I am so sorry that the dress hasn't arrived, I know you wanted it for the party tonight and you must be utterly disappointed."

Even though the shop attendant had nothing to do with the dress not arriving, she completely defused my annoyance with her empathy and sincere apology.

If you can express how your actions have adversely - perhaps inadvertently - impacted another person and apologise for this, then it makes it more difficult for the other person to keep being angry with you. A heartfelt apology delivered at the right time can dissolve negativity and rebuild relationships.

I also believe in the rhetorical power of saying sorry. I recently read a Harvard Business School study that concluded that people who offer apologies for things that aren't even their fault appear more trustworthy and tend to be welcomed more warmly by strangers than those who don't.

In this study, a male actor who first apologised for the rain and then asked to borrow a stranger's phone was given the phone around 50 per cent of the time, as opposed to 9 per cent when the actor asked straight up to borrow a stranger's phone.

The rain wasn't his fault, but the apology seemed to endear him to strangers, making him seem like a nice guy and worthy of their help.

Many people seem to forget that they are human, and the last time I checked no human being has ever been perfect. We all make mistakes - but isn't it what you do after the mistake has been made that shows what kind of person you are?

The way I see it, you have two options.

Option 1: Own up to the mistake, take responsibility, make amends and work hard at not making the same mistake again.

Option 2: Deny, blame someone else or provide any number of excuses for your behaviour.

Showing contrition is not a sign of weakness in my opinion, but a sign of great character. So choose option 1 whenever you can . I think it will serve you well, and you are more than likely to get a lot more sex this way - well it works for my husband!

A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in positive psychology at Auckland University of Technology.