Mindfulness and un-learning habits

The theme I'd like to explore this week is the role of mindfulness in unlearning habits in our mind that cause us to experience emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.
When we delve below the surface of our sense of disturbance and stress, we often find that what is disturbing us isn't quite what we might believe. We might be experiencing stress that on the surface seems to be caused by others' expectations of us, or having too little time to complete tasks that are important to us, or have time for ourselves to enjoy the activities we know are good for our wellbeing. Part of the inquiry of mindfulness is not only to take time to meditate (which we know is good for our mental and physical wellbeing), but also to shine a light on the unconscious beliefs that are driving our behaviours. So much of our reactivity in relationship to others, and tendencies that keep us repeating behaviours we know don't serve us, are "knee jerk" responses that feel out of our control, and the more we try to bring our will to the table in overcoming destructive habits, the less we seem to change.
Even beginning to shine a light on the underlying belief systems that are driving our behaviours brings an immediate glimmer of freedom. Here is a pattern I'm very familiar with: I want to please others. In fact, I go out of my way to please others so much that often I suppress what I'm actually feeling; I say "yes" when really I need to say "no"; I may be more generous with either my time or money than I can afford to be; I avoid conflict at all costs. And while on the surface this may seem quite "honourable" behaviour, is it really?
If the belief system that is running this behaviour is that actually I need others' approval to feel ok about myself, then by behaving this way I keep reinforcing this underlying un-truth, ie, that I am not ok unless others approve of me.
"We fragment ourselves to pursue chimera, often for years and decades (or a whole lifetime), and in the process, lose touch with or even betray our true nature, our sovereignty, the beauty of who we actually are, in our unfragmented wholeness. This is one symptom of our endemic distress and dis-ease, as individuals and as a society. Perhaps this splitting ourselves off from ourselves is the root conflict, lying at the core of all conflict." Jon Kabat-Zinn.
This pattern of people-pleasing is a particularly tricky beast, because on the surface it appears to maintain a certain harmony in my life with other people, even though it isn't really bringing harmony within consciousness.
True generosity has an entirely different flavour. It flows out from a person's being from a state of fullness, not lack. And there are and have been times when my generosity flows from this place. I need to be very awake and alert to discern the difference. Both the practice of meditating and the inquiry itself helps me to be more awake to what I'm really up to. And have more vitality and freedom in how I respond to the constant stream of challenges that life presents, instead of reacting in all my de-vitalised, well-worn ways.
For other folk their surface reactivity might be more about anger. Anger may seem to be the problem. Often lurking underneath the anger is fear and shame, again usually related to either fears of failure in something of prime importance, or a fear of being diminished by others. Another version of what Tara Brach refers to as "the trance of unworthiness".
So, the practice of Meditation itself and the enquiry that flows from this deeper engagement with the naturalness of our being become a revitalising force, constantly reminding and re-orientating us back to our natural majesty as an inseparable part of the living universe.
Annie Chapman is a certified Yoga teacher and massage therapist with a daily Yoga and meditation practice. She teaches Yoga and mindfulness at Balance Whanganui, and also teaches out in the community as a facilitator for "Mindfulness Works", a nationwide Mindfulness Training company. The next Whanganui Introduction to Mindfulness & Meditation course will run in the New Year, starting on Tuesday, January 19. For all inquiries re registration and payment please see http://mindfulnessworks.co.nz/an-introduction-to-mindfulness-meditation-4-week-course-whanganui/ ¦For more info re Annie's other courses in Heartful Yoga and Meditation courses next year please: email anniechapman@actrix.co.nz