'Boy, that Putin pussy was putty in my hands. But as foes go, he's a pretty good buddy - and like all good buddies, we can do business."

"What sort of business, Mr President?"

"Well he wanted to send some of his Russian operatives over to work with our own intelligence people, but I screwed him down hard - I told him it was all or nothing, and he buckled like a wet baguette.

"So, from next week all our intelligence will be run by the Russians ... and get this - for free! Won't cost us a dime. How good a deal is that?"

Advertisement

"Ahhh ... is that really such a good idea, Mr President. After all, they might get to know a few of our secrets?"

"Won't happen. Vlad has given me his word that if they come across anything sensitive, they'll stare at the ceiling until it goes away.

"And Vlad has very powerfully given me his word that his word is good. So this is a great deal - in fact, one of the greatest deals in history."

"But Mr President, the Russians are our foes. How come we're handing them the keys to the vault?"

"Oh, Vlad tells me they already know everything about us there is to know anyway, so what the hell.

"Let the Russkis pick up the secret service tab and I - I mean, we - can make America great again by using the money to build more golf courses where it'll be compulsory to wear Ivanka-branded golf shoes for health, safety and financial reasons."

"But you said that there was no Russian interference with our cyber systems."

"Yeh, President Putin said he'd heard the same nasty rumours so he had to have his people interfere with our systems a bit to make sure there wasn't any interference with our systems, but apart from that - nyet!

Advertisement

"And Vlad assures me one thousand per cent that his word is good to go. I can't ask for any better assurance than that."

"So what you're saying, Mr President, is that you trust our foe better than our own intelligence agencies."

"Well, that's another bit of fake news. The trouble with our secret intelligence people is that they're very secretive, so if they're not telling the whole true story it means they're telling lies ... especially when it's anything to do with me.

"But I would also say that, as foes go, my pal Vlad is more of a friendly foe as opposed to a really foe-y foe such as our welching Nato allies who keep their hands in their pockets instead of helping make America great again."

"Our Nato allies are our foes, too, Mr President?"

"You bet, because they're all cheapskates who've ganged up on my good friend May what's-her-name - the one who lives by Big Ben and who'd also be a much better president of her country like me if she was Boris Johnson. I told May she should sue those EU twerkers for not adoring her simply because Britain told them to get lost.

"Suing is the American way. Look at me - I didn't get where I am today by not being sued left, right and centre. It's very invigorating.

"Speaking of which, it was great to get some bracing sea air at my Scottish links course, where the police had to work hard to stop me getting crushed by my fans up there whose crumbly old stone houses I trashed so I could build the course. They love me.

"I didn't have such a great round, though - there were so many fans my caddie couldn't throw my ball out of the rough back on to the fairway like he normally does.

"But that's okay - I'm just going to sue the rough. I'm also going to sue my clubs bigly, too ... they kept hitting the ball where their Commander-in-Chief told them not to."