The following may or may not be based on actual events. It's a matter of opinion.
My week couldn't have started off any better.
In keeping with our new family tradition, the life forms, their respective partners and I treated ourselves to a delightful dining experience, upstairs at the Red Lion Inn.
The perfect cooking of a rare two-inch thick Angus steak is normally a rarity in itself but they nailed it. The quality of both the food and the service just added to the festivities and specialness of the event ... another memory made.
If only the rest of my week had been as enjoyable but I let the pressure of Christmas shopping get to me and was transformed into a bit of a Grinch.
I made lists, checked them twice, categorised who was naughty and nice. Took it a step further this year and added the category of "fluid", for those with a foot in each camp. Me being PC - who'd have thunk it? And they say miracles never happen.
When it came to the actual buying of presents, I was unable to find a single item on my list. The marketplace is sadly behind the times when it comes to PC trends.
I searched high and low for personalised preferred pro-noun pendants. Nothing, nada, zip.
I then went on the hunt for an anatomically correct gender fluid doll for my grand-daughter, complete with attachable appendages and gender neutral wardrobe choices.
Again I came up empty.
And the gift of the impossibly proportioned Barbie doll will in all likelihood result in bulimia or anorexia in later years, leaving them (note the pronoun) emotionally scarred.
Things were not going well. Perhaps a sit-down and a cup of ethically sourced coffee would improve my mood.
It was on my way to the cafe that I noticed that famous, fat, bearded guy, with a pretty girl on his knee. Yay, I thought. I can stop for a selfie with Santa.
But as I drew closer I saw that I had been mistaken. it was, in fact, Harvey Weinstein. Probably seeking respite from all the media attention.
This darkened my mood even more. I'd need more than a strong coffee to get out of this funk. Only one thing for it, I thought. Junk food.
Surely, since the article in last week's New Zealand Herald, KFC had got their act together, changing the habits and practices of a lifetime and was now serving the halal option that had been demanded of them.
Always open to trying new things, I made my way to the drive-through where I ordered a Zinger Works burger, halal style, and a large cookies and cream Krusher.
The only thing crushed was my hopes. This latest disappointment only served to kill my appetite. What little Christmas spirit I had left was rapidly evaporating in the hot summer sun.
I didn't fancy my chances at the supermarket, where I was hoping to tick off a free-range, transgendered turkey from my grocery list. I'm guessing too that any hope of an asexual ham will also be dashed.
Bugger this ... It's scorched almonds all round and a boring old heterosexual chook for Christmas dinner.
I don't need labels, trends and expensive gifts to make this holiday a happy one when I am surrounded by family, friends and some good humble kiwi tucker.
The ultimate gift is time spent with loved ones. I hope you find many reasons to smile loudly these holidays.
My advice - get stuffed and have a cracker! Merry Christmas one and all.
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