John Key has just received a report from the Government Communication Security Bureau that details all his phone calls and where he has been.

He reads it with interest as sometimes he cannot remember what he has said or where he is reported to have been.

People said he had attended a meeting at GCSB that he could not recall, having suddenly suffered a brain fade. He opens the report and considers the detail.

*8:45am: The PM's car stops outside a bakery. PM enters premises and orders a bagel and coffee. Observed in suspicious conversation with person on the till regarding change and the value of the NZ dollar - is he exchanging sensitive economic data with foreigners?


*9am: PM enters Parliament, but does not go to his office but rushes to the Gents muttering into his phone about "a leak". Phone records show he received a mysterious text message saying "Don't forget milk on way home". GCSB colleague notes this may be a sophisticated code with a possible link to the Fonterra payout. Possible threat to national security - decision made to track all following calls.

*9:10am: PM receives further text from same source saying "Low fat milk". Suspect this is indeed a coded message regarding Fonterra shares.

From 10am till 11am the phone log shows numerous calls. No names given but conversations filled with many "Hmmms" and "Aaahs" with frequent use of the phrase "I don't recall".

One of these may have been with a journalist. He talked at length about regular bouts of brain fade. (He may not be aware we are hacking his phone but he will find it useful as we have a record of all his visits to our offices in case he forgets he has been to see us.)

Having got to this part of the report, the Prime Minister writes "milk" in large letters on a note and sticks it on the side of the computer screen. He knows that if he forgets he will be in real trouble.

He wonders how the GCSB people managed to shadow his every move without his protection team spotting them.

He did recall an incident when a man in a trench coat and dark glasses fell into a manhole a few nights back. He did think it was unusual at the time but thought this was just another aspect of such unusual times. He turned to the next page of the dossier.

GCSB phone records show a very long call to Australia to someone the PM called Kev. Conversation topics included Machiavellian manipulation and boat people. Analysis by our crack team of code breakers, with assistance from the cleaning lady, shows this to be a possible plot to share Anzac navy vessels so both countries could pretend they had more ships. Here at GCSB we are suspicious of secrets, so our spies have talked to their spies down at the pub.


The phone records show a very odd sexting message from a person called Weiner. The images were terrifying and appear to come from New York. They guy may be a spy as he was sort of wearing a trench coat in some of the pictures.

The PM did not reply as this was followed by a text from someone asking the PM for help. They had millions of dollars in a bank account but could not get the money themselves and hoped the New Zealand Government would give them a loan. The PM replied to the message with a query about what companies provide Nigeria with such amazing cellphone coverage.

Tel (aka Terry Sarten) lives writes and works in Sydney. Feedback by email or via his website