I know you are busy running the country and all that during this Covid-19 emergency but I wonder if you could give my wife a ring and have a bit of a chat.
You see Prime Minister, since we went into lockdown last week Mrs P seems to have found a never-ending list of jobs for me to do around the house.
She says for years I've been saying I'll do them "when I've got time". Now, thanks to the measures taken by you and your Government, it seems I have at least a month of just that on my hands.
I had thought I could spend it in front of the telly testing the comfort level of my couch - just in case I end up sleeping there instead of the matrimonial bed - which at the moment seems a distinct possibility.
There was also the fact I could watch the entire series of that Suits programme which made Princess Meghan famous. Its not hard to find, I think it might be the only one she's ever been in.
I watched a few episodes and couldn't see what all the fuss was about to be honest. Then the other day she appeared rather skimpily clad and the penny dropped. I'm guessing the same happened to Prince Harry, though obviously his penny is made of solid gold and is dropped on his behalf by a servant.
Anyway, back to Mrs P.
Since all this started Jacinda, she has had me painting that bit of the house I didn't do a very good job on last time. I'm sure you know the bit. You may have the same thing around the side of your place.
It's that little section behind the hydrangea bush which is very hard to get to. You can't see the house for the bush anyway so last time I did it I gave it a quick once over and moved on safe in the knowledge nobody would ever know.
And my wife wouldn't have if she hadn't decided lockdown was also the perfect time to get stuck into the garden and clean out some of those old shrubs and plants. You guessed it. Out came the hydrangea bush and into prominence came the, er, less than professional paint job.
Since then she's also had me vacuuming the house daily, emptying the dishwasher, washing the bathroom floor and what appears to be never-ending spring cleaning - in autumn.
My protests have been deflected by her poking her tongue out at me, laughing and saying they are "essential services".
If that's not bad enough Prime Minister she has now decided we need to be a bit careful with our food supplies, just in case this goes on for longer than we think.
In our house that means the delightful mince I would normally have for my tea - she does it with a delicious gravy mix - is now to last me two days by being "bulked out" with vegetables!
I know. Disgraceful isn't it?
I've been on the phone and social media to keep in touch with some mates and it seems many of them are in the same boat. We feel like we are being punished for spending too much time in the past at the golf course.
So, as I say Jacinda, I feel Mrs P is not entering into the spirit of this lockdown and a word in her ear would be helpful.
After all, I am not a child.
I am an intelligent 56 year-old man with a golf handicap of 16 and a big pile of wood behind the shed in case of emergencies.
I don't think I should have to eat my vegetables before I can go and watch the telly.
• Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to firstname.lastname@example.org .