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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
A government-funded initiative to allow New Zealanders to self-identify as complete losers has been labelled a runaway success after its first month. More than 650 complete losers made themselves known by contacting a so-called Road Cone Hotline to moan about the vital road safety features.
However, an official, who Another Kind of Politics has agreed not to name, has revealed the hotline was fake and was actually part of a “coning plan” to determine how many total losers were now living in New Zealand.
“After we failed to get a loser question into the last census, we decided the best way to get these moaners and cry-babies to identify themselves was to camouflage a ‘Loser Line’ with the name ‘Road Cone Hotline’,” said the official. “By simply filling out an online form complaining about road cones, more than 650 have so far unwittingly put their hands up and said, ‘Yes, we’re complete and total losers with first-world problems and nothing better to worry about.’ We expect this is just the tip of the utter loser iceberg.”
The official said the Minister for Backstabbing Women and Workers, Brooke Van Velden, who promoted the initiative, actually believed the Road Cone Hotline was real, though he refused to comment on whether she was among the first to use it.
“Health and safety for workers and road users is no longer a government priority, so it was easy to trick the minister into wasting taxpayers’ money on a pointless hotline to complain about road cones when in fact it was really a way to flush out complete losers,” the official said.
The true nature of the Road Cone Hotline being revealed by Another Kind of Politics was unlikely to slow the number of people self-identifying as total losers, the official believed. “There’s no risk because complete losers get all their information through social media from other complete losers. It is also well known that among the total loser community there is a widespread belief there is a far-left conspiracy to replace people with road cones and enslave the free world.”
Minister admits ChatGPT wrote Govt’s AI strategy
New Zealanders will be subjected to a giant artificial intelligence experiment, the government has decided. Shane Reti, the Minister for Science, Technology and High-Risk Trial And Error, says the government has decided to take a “she’ll be right approach” to the arrival of AI.
“The Government’s role in AI is to get the hell out of its way and let it run amok through the community and businesses with no regulation whatsoever, because we trust tech companies to do the right thing,” Reti said in a statement.
AI this week triggered worldwide fears that the new technology might not be very friendly to people, after Elon Musk’s new AI chatbot, Grok, announced it was changing its name to Adolf and was planning to destroy humanity. However, Reti said New Zealanders should not be concerned. “Google AI has assured me there’s nothing to worry about with AI, though it did say that its response might include mistakes,” Reti said.
The minister said he taken a “light-touch approach” to writing the country’s first AI strategy by getting ChatGPT to come up with the wording. “As ChatGPT knows so much more about AI than me, I thought it should sort this out. It said that, like Covid-19, the best approach was to let AI loose from the laboratory and let it do its thing with no interference from us, which sounded sensible to me.”
The government’s move to leave New Zealanders to the mercy of AI has been called “completely irresponsible and utterly reckless” by local technology experts and “a complete nightmare” by those who had seen at least one Terminator movie.
Political quote of the week
NZ’s first “space squadron” to watch Star Trek for defence ideas
The Royal New Zealand Air Force’s first dedicated space unit, No62 Squadron, will use sci-fi TV shows to train its staff due to a lack of spacecraft and ray guns.
The Ministry of Defence, which does not have an internet connection, is sourcing complete DVD collections of Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy to bring the squadron up to speed on what can happen in outer space and the sorts of enemies the squadron might be asked to face, such as the Klingon Empire.
It is expected the training films will cost as little as $500, which means the unit could spend the rest of its $1000 in government funding on popcorn and a second-hand DVD player.
It is understood the new unit has also adopted an official motto: “To boldly go where we can’t afford to go.”
Political quiz of the week
What are ministers Chris Bishop (left), Simeon Brown (second from right) and Matt Doocey (right) helping to bury?
A/ A “lifestyle” rough sleeper known on the streets as Jackass Mitchell.
B/ The Prime Minister’s backbone.
C/ A Youth MP who was being “difficult”.
D/ Another pork barrel.
