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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
Most Kiwis would rather watch the All Blacks lose 50-nil to Australia than suffer through any kind of Budget coverage, a new poll has found. The snap survey revealed that the majority of New Zealanders dreaded May, not only because of the Budget and the sound of Finance Minister and Feminist of the Year Nicola Willis strangling vowels, but because of the deluge of reporting and commentary before and after the event.
When asked about how they felt about the Budget and its coverage, 87% of people polled found it was “a bit boring”, “mostly boring”, “very boring” or “completely and utterly boring”, while 12% reported it was “a bummer”. Only 1% of those surveyed, most thought to be MPs, economists, political lobbyists, journalists or public servants fearing the chop, said they were interested in the Budget and believed the level of media coverage was justified and “about right”.
When those surveyed were asked to rank a list of things they would rather do than read, listen to or view coverage of the Budget, 33% said watch the All Blacks lose at a World Cup final, 23% said “live in Auckland”, while 5% said they would prefer to die.
Asked whether they favoured Budgets that were “a lolly scramble” or “not a lolly scramble”, 11% said yes to lollies, 9% said no to lollies, 21% said it depended on the type of lollies and 59% said they didn’t know or care and could the surveyor please just go away.
On the question of which party’s budgets were responsible for generating the most boring coverage, National or Labour, 93% said it was hard to tell. The only entertaining budgets, according to respondents, were the joke ones released by the Green Party.
Vox pops with random people on their lunch break in a windy square in Wellington found that most people agreed with the poll’s findings. “I reckon Budget coverage is even more boring than stories about house prices or polls outside election years about political party popularity,” said a sad man having a sandwich with no butter, cheese, lettuce or meat in it because they’re all too expensive due to past budgets.
Another said she supposed that the appalling high level of budget coverage inflicted on New Zealanders was “the price we pay for living in a liberal democracy, even if that price, like everything else these days, is way too high”.
Full list of penalties for misbehaviour in the House released
Parliament’s “powerful” Privileges Committee has issued a complete list of penalties for misconduct and bad behaviour by MPs in the House. The committee released the list following widespread condemnation of the proposed punishment given to Te Pāti Māori MPs for performing a haka on the floor of the House following the first reading debate on the Principles of the Treaty of Waitangi Bill in November.
The full list of offences and punishments is as follows:
Doing a down trou: Footage passed to the Mail Online.
Asking or answering a question in Klingon: Discommendation, in which the MP is ceremonially shunned, stripped of honour, and severely reduced in social status within Klingon society.
Having Uber Eats deliver a takeaway to your chair: Confiscation of the meal and ordered to consume only Act party school lunches for a week.
Karaoke performances of the songs ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, ‘Sweet Caroline’ or ‘My Way’: Scattered applause.
Smoking a joint: Must eat two party-sized bags of Cheeseballs in a single parliamentary sitting.
Doing Winston Peters impressions: Told to naff off.
Putting a whoopee cushion on the Speaker’s chair: Nomination for Billy T Award.
Shredding air guitar on the floor of the House: Guitar confiscated.
Uttering the word “c—t”: No penalty.
Performing a Haka following the first reading debate on a bill attempting to rewrite history: A 21-day suspension from Parliament.
Winston Peters made Minister for Shouting at Strangers
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon says a new Ministry for Shouting At Strangers will be led by Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters. “Shouting at strangers is an important part of the government’s growth strategy,” Luxon said. “We have solid research showing us that yelling abuse at people is an excellent method for getting them on side with you.”
As Foreign Affairs Minister, and thus the country’s senior diplomat, Peters was chosen to lead the new ministry after his performance during a press conference at Wellington Railway Station this week. Luxon said that Peters’ mastery of shouting at strangers was world class. “His ability to combine the words ‘bollocks’ and ‘sunshine’ in a sentence and his acting skills in faking outrage made him a natural fit for the job.”
When approached by a stranger for comment, Peters said, “Naff off or I’ll have your bollocks and get you sacked from your job for asserting your right to free speech, sunshine. I said naff off. I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what am I?”
Witch Doctors to plug after-hours health service gaps
The government says it will lower the cost for urgent and after-hours healthcare services across the country by licensing what it calls “foreign medical experts” who would otherwise be Uber or taxi drivers.
Health Minister Simeon Brown said after-hours healthcare services across the country would be boosted during the next four years with witch doctors, medicine men, faith healers, shamans, sorcerers, necromancers, wizards, conjurors, magicians and voodoo priests.
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon said the new hiring programme was about restoring faith-based healthcare and making sure that a patient’s aura came first.
“When a child’s fever spikes in the middle of the night, parents have to have somewhere to go without delay. When an elderly person suffers from a fall they won’t be left waiting in pain. A witch doctor can cast a spell to make them better.”
Brown said the cost of after-hours care would be dramatically reduced for patients who would be able to pay in blankets and trinkets, though for more complex cases involving spirits, they may have to cross palms with silver. The new doctors could also perform curses and place hexes for no extra charge.
Political quiz of the week
What is Finance Minister and Feminist of the Year Nicola Willis grinding her Budget peanuts into for working women seeking pay equity?
A/ Nickels and dimes.
B/ Small potatoes.
C/ Chump change.
D/ BS
