Online only
Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
New Zealand First is planning a Member’s Bill to ensure that “real men” have safe spaces away from “arrogant wokester losers”.
NZ First leader Winston Peters said the Safety In Sheds (Definition of Real Men) Amendment Bill will provide clarity and consistency in New Zealand law by defining a real man as “an adult human biological male who knows better than everyone else”.
A leaked draft of the proposed law shows it would make it mandatory in future to provide real men with a place or environment in which they can feel confident that they are always right and will not be exposed to criticism, new ideas or any other emotional harm from others, including those defined in the bill as “people who nag”, which is thought to mean women.
“This is not about being anti-anyone or anti-anything,” Peters said. “This is about ensuring we as a country focus on the facts of biology and protect real men from having to listen to views they don’t agree with or having to cope with people who don’t look or sound like them.
“New Zealand First is the only party that campaigned on keeping men out of the kitchen and keeping men out of cleaning bathrooms and toilets, and we have received two petitions this term calling for protecting the term ‘real men’ in legislation.
“We were told at the time that we were ‘going down a rabbit hole’ and ‘on another planet’. But if you look at recent events, both internationally and in New Zealand, the pendulum is swinging back towards common sense and is proving us right.
“This bill will ensure our country moves away from the woke ideology that has crept in over the last few years, undermining the protection, progression, and safety of real men.”
Asked to define a “real man,” Peters said that although this was not an exhaustive list, it was someone who owned lots of power tools, drove a Ford Ranger, wore a replica All Blacks jersey on game days, ate mainly meat, believed New Zealand comedy died with Billy T James and Fred Dagg, owned a large barbecue and even larger TV, loved fishing like it was a son, had subscribed to Sky Sport for decades, conversed in a series of grunts, believed Lynx Africa was an aphrodisiac, listened only to Accadacca, Chisel, Zep and Sabbath because modern music was rubbish, wasn’t afraid to scratch himself in public, owned gumboots and a Swannie, practised man-splaying and mansplaining, and had a “girlie calendar” on the wall in his shed.
“The real man likes rugby, but not women’s rugby,” Peters said. “He drinks beer, but not that craft crap. He likes a flutter at the races and isn’t afraid to wink at the ladies.”
Asked if he was a real man, Peters said he would “thump” anyone who suggested he wasn’t. “Listen, sunshine, this ain’t my first rodeo, and only real men compete in rodeos.”
Under New Zealand First’s proposed law, safe spaces for real men are defined as punch-ups, rodeos, sheds, pubs, gun and rugby clubs, fishing tinnies, scrums and mauls, tractor cabs, Lions clubs, urinals, Paul Henry’s house and the party’s annual conferences. Those who can prove after next year’s election that they have voted NZ First will also be considered honorary real men, even if they own no power tools or are sheilas, including old sheilas.
The bill will add new sections, 13A and 13B, to the Legislation Act 2019 to safeguard sex-based protections from the “woke-mind virus spread by those who don’t vote NZ First” and underline the importance of sex-based rights for real men.
“Our laws should reflect biological reality and provide legal certainty,” Peters said. “This definition in law fights back against the cancerous social engineering we’ve seen being pushed in society by a woke minority. The need for legislation like this shows how far the deluded left has taken us as a society. But we are fighting back.
“This bill is a win for common sense. It is about ensuring real men have a safe place to play with their tools.”
Scientists say Trump’s first 100 days “longest in history”
The space-time continuum may have been permanently damaged by US President Donald Trump’s first 100 days in office, leading scientists believe. Physicists at the European Organisation for Nuclear Research – known as CERN – in Switzerland have found evidence that the first 100 days of Trump’s second presidency had felt like 100 years to ordinary humans, because Trump’s voice and image interfered with spacetime.
“The first 100 days of Trump has been the longest 100 days since the Big Bang,” said one scientist, who did not wish to be named for fear of fear itself. “We believe that the President may have changed time for all time.”
It was likely, the scientist said, that the next 100 days of Trump’s presidency will be perceived by ordinary humans, should they live that long, as being like 1000 years. “Trump’s four-year term is likely to feel like 13.8 billion years, which oddly enough is the length of time since the Big Bang, which is why CERN has designated the election of Trump again last year as the Big Clunk.”
The only good news about Trump stretching time, the scientist said, was that “everyone alive today would be dead by the end of this year, making Trump someone else’s problem”.
Political quiz of the week
To what tune is Green co-leader, DJ Chlöe, getting her groove on?
A) Y.LGBTQ.C.A.
B) Somewhere Over the Rainbow Pedestrian Crossing.
C) King of K’ Road.
D) What’s New Bussy Cat?
