New Zealand’s most famous Māori rights activist says the United Nations has “munted” his mana by claiming his Regulatory Standards Bill attacks indigenous rights. David Seymour said a UN special rapporteur had no right to say his bill was “stink” for Māori because the rapporteur wasn’t Māori and he is, therefore he knows better.
“As an indigenous New Zealander myself — tēnā koutou! — I am deeply aggrieved by this UN guy’s audacity. He is suggesting that my bill is bad for Māori because it makes no mention of the country’s founding document, the Treaty of Waitangi. Actually the Regulatory Standards Bill is just an honest attempt to embed swivel-eyed libertarian ideology into all New Zealand law. So this deep-state stooge from the UN has no right to munt my mana like this.”
Seymour said he thought it was pretty clear from his Treaty Principles Bill that he is New Zealand’s best loved treaty advocate and most famous Māori rights activist. “As everyone in New Zealand knows, I’m as Māori as the next guy, as long as the next guy isn’t Winston Peters.”
However, not everyone is convinced. One commentator accused Seymour, a fervent critic of “identity politics”, of double standards by effectively playing the so-called “race card” in his response to criticism of the Regulatory Standards Bill by the UN.
“On the one hand Seymour is using his own Māori heritage in his defence of the Regulatory Standards Bill,” the commentator said. “On the other, he told the Act Party’s annual conference just last weekend that the ‘scourge of identity politics has pulled [New Zealand] apart’.”
During his speech at the Free and Equal rally in Auckland last Sunday, Seymour denounced identity politics. “Your reality, it seems, depends on your identity,” he raved to supporters. “They always say, ‘Speaking as an x, y, z person’. They say where you come from matters more than where you’re going.”
However, Seymour says that slamming identity politics to one audience while using his Māori identity in an argument with another does not make him a hypocrite. “As an indigenous New Zealander myself — kia ora! — I cannot deny I am playing the race card by referring to myself as ‘an indigenous New Zealander’ in my letter responding to the UN rapporteur.
“But as an Act Party leader who is actively drumming up votes from disgruntled white people who don’t like those who are different from them, I am deeply aggrieved by the audacity of anyone who would accuse me of trading in the scourge of identity politics.”
The commentator said she was not convinced by Seymour’s denials. “There appear to be two David Seymours, or one with two faces, or one who appears in front of one kind of audience and another who appears in front of other kinds of audiences. Either way, that’s too many David Seymours.”
Sir Rob Muldoon to be brought back from extinction
US company Colossal Bioscience Nightmares says it is well advanced in its plan to resurrect the late prime minister Sir Robert Muldoon. This follows its de-extinction of the terrifying dire wolf and its Sir Peter Jackson-supported scheme to bring back the giant moa.
“It is our quest to bring scary dead things back to life just like in Jurassic Park,” a spokesperson for the company said. “But giant moa aren’t frightening enough really because they’re like a boring version of Big Bird. So our mad scientists decided to bring back New Zealand scariest dead thing, which is Robert “Piggy” Muldoon.”
Muldoon was among New Zealand’s most authoritarian prime ministers and ruled the country using endless amounts of regulation and sarcasm between 1975 and 1984. Post-politics, as “Count Robula”, he introduced TV2’s late-night horror film strand Friday Frights for three years. Colossal Bioscience Nightmares says they will be resurrecting the Count Robula version of Muldoon because, while scary, he was “also more fun”.
The company says it has found Muldoon’s DNA on an old whiskey bottle discovered on the ninth floor of the Beehive. This will now be combined with DNA from Muldoon’s nearest living relative, a Kunekune pig.
Political “Lost & Found” sign of the week
Rest of NZ unsurprised report says Auckland a dump
The majority of New Zealanders are underwhelmed by a new report saying Auckland isn’t as flash as it thinks it is. The third annual State of the City report found that Auckland ranked dead last among similar international cities for productivity and that it was behind its peers because of poor planning, inadequate innovation and a weak economy.
Vox pops with random people on their lunch breaks in a windy square in Wellington found that most people agreed with the survey’s findings. “If they didn’t spend all their time eating smashed avocado on toast at outdoor tables at cafes, preening in $500 sunglasses and driving around in convertibles all day, they might get a bit more work done,” said one person.
“I’m not surprised that Dorkland rates so poorly,” said another. “I went there once for a holiday and spent the entire week living in my car after getting stuck in a tailback between the airport and my hotel. It was hell.”
Another Wellingtonian said Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown perfectly reflected the state of the city. “He thinks a lot of himself. But who’d want to go there?”
Political quiz of the week
What is New Zealand’s most famous Māori rights activist and master chef David Seymour cooking for his dinner?
A/ A boil up.
B/ Pork and puha.
C/ Fry bread.
D/ Liver with fava beans and a nice chianti.
