I’ve heard many a journalist refer to the Christmas and post-Christmas period as the “silly season”, when the more serious stuff of local and international news is eschewed in favour of items that are lighter and less chunky. I’m not proud, so I’m happy to help give folk a lighter, more upbeat start to the year. Welcome to the silly season, 2024.
So, penises are getting bigger.
You’re wondering how I know. Well, in February last year, a meta-analysis of research published between 1942 and 2021 was released, describing variation in penile dimensions. Meta-analysis is a statistical technique where you take all the studies that have been published about a particular topic, smoosh them all together, and get a weighted average of what they all say. As well as allowing a more confident sense of what these combined studies say than you get from looking at any one of them, you can also look at “moderators” – factors that might explain variation in the grand estimate, moderators such as year of publication or where the data were collected.
So, erect penises are 24% bigger than they were 29 years ago (the first time someone measured an erect member), but not all penises. I’ll give you a flavour: “Thirty-three studies reported flaccid length” (average length 8.70cm) while “64 studies analysed stretched penile length” (average 12.93cm). There are two take homes here. First, “flaccid” and “stretched” penises are no bigger now than 50 years ago. Second, would you sign up for a study that involved having your penis stretched?
But the average tumescent penis has increased 3cm from an average 12.27cm to 15.24 cm.
Why would we care whether penises are the same now as they were a generation ago? The answer isn’t that researchers are voyeurs, but rather that other things have changed over the same time, including male fertility rates. If men are shooting more blanks, it’s reasonable to wonder whether there’s anything happening with the pistol. In fact, lead author Stanford Urology Professor Michael Eisenberg anticipated shrinkage, not growage. Eisenberg speculates that male penises have been affected by environmental exposure to endocrine-affecting chemicals. But I’m only half joking that male readers will want to know how they compare with the current average. It will come as no surprise to learn that men worry about their trouserly dimensions.
In 2014, a team of researchers led by Lucy Johnston (formerly of the University of Canterbury), solicited a bunch of Cantabrians to answer questions about themselves, and about penises. This included questions about the men’s own penises as well as perceptions about average and ideal penis size.
Interestingly, men’s average reported (actual) penis sizes were very consistent with actual average penis sizes, but they also said that an ideal penis is about 3cm more than that average (18.5cm). Female participants estimated the average penis to be about 2cm shorter than reality. But they also said an ideal penis should be about the actual average. Blokes also said they’d prefer a bigger package, and that women would also prefer a bigger package.
Sadly, many men worried about other people seeing their penis, even when they reported an average pecker, and that dissatisfaction was greater for men who perceived a bigger gap between actual penises and ideal penises.
Why does this matter? One in seven male participants reported seeing a medical professional about a testicular cancer check, and those folk were also happier with the general idea of someone seeing their penis. Don’t miss cancer because you’re shy about your nether regions.
For those who are now looking forward to an end to the silly season, normal service resumes next week.
