Steve Braunias: The secret diary of ... The Muller Gang

Todd Muller donned his National sherriff's hat. Photo / Mark Tantrum

COMMENT:

MONDAY

Sheriff Muller: I done buried Sheriff Bridges at Parliament Hill but I had a bad feeling, as I kicked the dirt over his grave, that he was lying down there with a damned smile on his handsome face. When I turned to leave the cemetery, I heard laughter. But there was no one there.

Deputy Kaye: Sheriff Muller is the kindest, most decent men there ever has lived. We are so lucky to have such a paragon of virtue! The townsfolk are gonna love him. I picked him out a real nice hat to wear on his first day in office. "You put that one on, ya hear," I said to him, and pointed out a red hat that he'd picked up from Sheriff Trump. "The colour matches your head."

TUESDAY

Special Agent Hooton: I had a bad feeling when the sheriff and his deputy turned up to meet the varmints from the local press today. I could feel it in my bones. I tried telling the sheriff about it. "I feel a tingle in my spine," I said to him. "Can't you?" But he just smiled, and said, "Oh, I don't have one of those."

Brownie Goldsmith: Miss Kaye done told the varmints, "You want the Muller Gang to have diversity? Sure, we got diversity. You only have to look at Brownie Goldsmith. Why, he's as indigenous as it gets." But I ain't indigenous. Hell, I don't even know they look like. I run the store in Epsom and we ain't ever had an indigenous customer.

WEDNESDAY

Sheriff Muller: Big day today. A tin-can shoot-out with Miss Ardern. I practised all night with Special Agent Hooton. "Don't shoot till ya see the whites of her eyes!" he kept saying, over and over. I owe that man my job. He done spent a whole year or more plotting to bring down Sheriff Bridges and pin the badge on me. But sometimes he don't make a lick of sense.

Miss Ardern: They lined up the tin cans on the fencepost. Sheriff Muller got out his six-gun and took aim. Maybe he was standing too far away because the

bullets didn't even reach the target. They landed with a soft thud in the dirt. It was kinda sad.

Sheriff Muller: I headed back to my office and drank a strong cup of coffee and ate some beans. "Gold darn it," I said to Deputy Kaye, "this job is harder than it looks." She just smiled, and said, "You leave Miss Ardern to me. I know how to get the better of her." She gave my head an affectionate slap as she walked out. The beans produced a gaseous emission and I heard laughter. There was no one there but I knew who it was.

THURSDAY

Whitey Collins: "It's all going exactly to plan, ain't it, honey child?" I crooned to the porcelain doll I held in my lap. She's the best damned friend I got in the whole world. I can tell her anything. We sit up in my attic all day long just talking. Well, I do the talking; she just looks at me with her big blue eyes of glass and a pretty smile fixed on her face. I told her how I backed Muller just so as he'd fail badly and they'd all come running to Whitey Collins to take over. "And that's what he's doing," I said. "Failing badly! Ya hear? Failing badly!" And I shrieked with laughter.

FRIDAY

Sheriff Muller: Sure, I heard Whitey Collins' shrieks of laughter. It's kinda sad. But the laughter I heard all week wasn't coming from her. I headed out to Parliament Hill and stood over Sheriff Bridges' grave. "It's you, ain't it," I said. "You and your darned ghost." A cold wind got up. The moon went behind a cloud.