Steve Braunias: The secret diary of ... The Ardern Gang

Special Agent Peters and Marshall Ardern shake hands over the horse. But whose is it? Photo / Mark Mitchell

COMMENT:

MONDAY

Marshall Ardern: Folks. Folks, let me be perfectly clear. I understand yesterday's Black Lives Matter march, I truly do, and I know there's a strength of feelin' out there, but if y'all could keep those feels in check, then I'd be mighty grateful. Sure, you might think, "Goddamn it, I got to make my voice heard!" Well, that's what Twitter is for. But it ain't right to congregate on the streets. Because it was a breach of the rules. And you know how I feel about the rules. The rules saved our lives. And if people break the rules, there will be a price to pay. A very heavy price. And if you don't believe me none, maybe you'll listen to a voice of calm and reason.

Doc Siouxsie Wiles: O Lord! Lord have mercy! Wah! Auē! And so forth! For I am absolutely gutted to see people protestin' and carryin' on without takin' Covid precautions. If you went on that march, then please, please, please self- isolate for the next 14 days. The last thing any of us want is to see a surge in cases. Hurry along inside now, y'hear? Go into quarantine. Right now! Git!

Doc Ashley Bloomfield: There is currently no community transmission in New Zealand. Those who attended the outdoor protests are not required to quarantine. In conclusion, yee-ha.

TUESDAY

Marshall Ardern: Folks. Folks, let me be perfectly clear. We ain't openin' the town up just yet. Soon, but not yet. You know, we all done good, but the plain truth of the matter is that we ain't out of the woods yet. There's a-trouble brewin'. Because they might come back. You know who I mean by they. You don't need me to spell it out. But you need me in every other single way and don't you forget that none.

Special Agent Peters: You heard the Marshall. She wants you to go about your business. But what business have you got left to attend to? This town is a ghost town. This town ain't got two cents to rub together. This town is flat broke and it's gettin' broker by the minute. And the Marshall wants you to continue to stay indoors? Seems to me that the Marshall is sitting on a pretty high horse. Well, she might want to remember who gave her that horse. I gave her that horse.

WEDNESDAY

Marshall Ardern: It's my horse.

Special Agent Peters: No it ain't.

THURSDAY

Minister Little: Sure, I know Special Agent Peters. We git along just fine. He makes me laugh all day long! I don't know what we'd do without him. Apart from the fact that things would be smoother, things would get done, conditions would improve, important issues of law and order would be resolved, and so forth. But things ain't lookin' too good for Special Agent Peters in the polls. That's a shame. I guess he won't be joinin' us in the saloon after the votes are cast. Hell, it won't be the same without him. It'll be better.

FRIDAY

Marshall Ardern: It's my horse.

Special Agent Peters: No it ain't.