The feeling hits when the subject matter is contentious and sensitive, and I know I'm going to be spending hours digging through research and reading heart-wrenching personal stories that strike too close to home.
Today is one of those days. I find myself constantly checking my phone, scratching my pet's back, and completing menial and non-urgent household tasks to procrastinate putting my figurative pen to the paper. Anything to delay the inevitable.
The subject matter I'm approaching is, frankly, distressing, disturbing and painful.
Yet it needs to be talked about because it affects all of us in some way, whether through our own lived experiences, from the stories shared by friends and family members, or the cultural zeitgeist.
It is important to talk about serious and disturbing issues. We cannot find a solution to a problem if we pretend it doesn't exist or hope someone else will fix it for us.
What we say and do matters. Words matter.
Shakespeare's Juliet famously uttered: "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
Juliet's thesis is that what you call something doesn't matter as the substance remains unchanged. Yet, both Romeo and Juliet die as a result of the family names they bear.
Words matter. And the way we use our words can greatly affect the outcome.
There's a huge difference between telling your neighbour's aunty's elderly second-cousin Mrs Baker that her rice pudding tastes like soap, or saying kindly that you're not a fan of the dish.
Or telling your colleague that they royally screwed up the annual report instead of informing them they made a mistake.
Or asking a potential rapist "Would you ever rape someone?" versus "Would you ever coerce somebody to intercourse by holding them down?"
Words matter.
It turns out that potential rapists are more likely to admit their desire to rape someone if that terrible four-letter word is not used. Rapists are bad people, after all, and who truly thinks of themself as a bad person?
But, as a 2014 study led by Dr Sarah R Edwards into attitudes about rape revealed, 32 per cent of male college students surveyed said they would coerce somebody to have intercourse by holding them down, versus the 14 per cent who said they would rape someone.
Both of those phrases are saying the same thing, just using different words. Yet 32 per cent of those men willingly admitted that they would potentially rape someone when it was worded differently – more than twice as many as when the "r" word was used.
That's a surprising discrepancy. One conclusion that could be drawn from this is that there are some people who truly don't understand what rape is.
Author Laurie Halse Anderson, who wrote the novel Speak based on her own experience as a young rape victim, certainly believes this is the case.
Anderson has been giving talks to school students for more than 20 years. In a piece she wrote for Time, she described the frequent aftermath of her presentations: Teenage boys openly arguing that the girl in Anderson's novel wasn't raped.
As she wrote in her Time piece: "They argue that she drank beer, she danced with her attacker and, therefore, she wanted sex. They see his violence as a reasonable outcome.
"Many of them have clearly been in the same situation … These boys have been raised to believe that a rapist is a bad guy in the bushes with a gun. They aren't that guy, they figure, so they can't be rapists."
Anderson sincerely believes that most teenage boys want to know the rules and how to be the good guy, but they're learning about how sexual relationships work from their friends and from internet porn.
They'll learn the physical mechanics of the act from their parents and "don't get her pregnant", but not much more.
That makes sense, right?
It must be so awkward and uncomfortable to sit down with a pimply kid and talk to them frankly and honestly about what a healthy sexual relationship looks like, and when it crosses the line into assault.
Some parents may even fear that talking in detail about sex can make their child promiscuous, that keeping them ignorant will prevent them from having sex, or that sex education will happen in the classroom.
And yes, some of that is taught in schools. But teaching about healthy sexual relationships is something that parents should also take responsibility for.
It's too important a life lesson to leave solely to our schools or – God forbid – the internet to teach.
Words matter. We need to use them for good.
We don't want our children to become rapists through ignorance.
Where to get help:
If it's an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
If you've ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact Safe to Talk confidentially, any time 24/7:
Call 0800 044 334
Text 4334
Email support@safetotalk.nz
For more information or to web chat visit safetotalk.nz
Alternatively contact your local police station - click here for a list.
If you have been sexually assaulted, remember it's not your fault.
Sonya Bateson is a writer, reader, and crafter raising her family in Tauranga. She is a Millennial who enjoys eating avocado on toast, drinking lattes and defying stereotypes. As a sceptic, she reserves the right to change her mind when presented with new evidence.
