Shauni James: Anxiety, panic attacks and 'love-hate relationship' with medication

Anxiety can affect many people in different ways. Photo / Ute Grabowsky/Photothek via Getty Images

COMMENT

The feeling of a fist squeezing in my chest and the quickening of breaths is how it usually starts for me.

Then it's on to the dizziness, pins and needles all over and the fast, gasping breaths.

And possibly the most glamorous part is that my safe haven for the episodes tends to be the closest bathroom or toilet, where I can lock the world out and focus on slow, deep breaths.

Panic attacks and anxiety is not something I would wish on anyone.

I was first diagnosed with anxiety in 2016 by my doctor at the time and was put on to Citalopram - an antidepressant also used for anxiety.

My mother had talked me into going once my anxiety had started to affect my everyday life in many little ways.

For example, I wasn't able to leave my flat without checking every power point was switched off or plugged in properly, and that no wires were touching each other - and, of course, I had to check an even number of times. I don't know about you, but I find odd numbers much too risky.

Two times usually wasn't enough to help me feel better, so four tended to be the magic number.

The same went for checking the door was locked before leaving, though this took a much larger number of checks (even amount, of course) before I was somewhat satisfied.

There can be a range of symptoms when you first start taking the medication Citalopram, and it's different for everyone.

I have to admit I didn't have the best time when I first started taking that little white pill and I have had a fairly love-hate relationship with it over the years.

The first two or three weeks featured nausea, loss of appetite, weight loss, trouble sleeping, and some night terrors.

However, it did all pass (with the added bonus of being able to fit into a couple of cute old dresses), and I can't deny the fact that when I take it regularly it really does work for me personally.

I have been lucky in that stigma around anxiety and mental health is not something I have really experienced personally.

In fact, the crazy thing is I had more stigma around it within myself than anyone else.

I used to hate that I was "relying" on a pill to make me feel better. I thought I should be stronger than that.

There has only been one He Who Shall Not Be Named in the past who told me it was all something I was doing for attention.

It just intensified those feelings of self-guilt around not being able to control it on my own and keep it within.

In my opinion, this is one of the worst things you can say to someone dealing with mental health.

However, I rarely bring up my anxiety struggles with people unless mental health comes up in conversation or I'm close with them.

And when I do? People so far have been accepting and understanding, and it has been eye-opening to hear how many have similar struggles.

So, in the spirit of Mental Health Awareness Week - and from one often nervous wreck who is still trucking along well and managing to accomplish goals to you - don't be afraid to reach out for help and share your feelings with someone.

You may be surprised who is in the same boat as you.

WHERE TO GET HELP:
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youth services: (06) 3555 906
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• Helpline: 1737
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.