STRAIGHT-UP: When talking to kids about sex, honesty is the best policy according to Tania Pinfold. PHOTO/STEPHEN PARKER 100914SP3
If you're waiting for the right time to have "the talk" with your kids, then you're doing it all wrong.
According to local sexual-health doctor Tania Pinfold, the whole concept of "the talk" is a flawed idea. As she puts it: "It's bollocks."
Instead the Rotovegas Youth Health woman says quality sex education starts before school age and shouldn't be limited to just a talk. Forget any stories about birds and the bees or any other confusing analogies.
"It's an ongoing age-appropriate conversation, in the home and at school."
For many parents, the fact of life talk is a daunting one. How to answer those questions can seem like one of the trickiest parenting issues around.
A recent international survey of more than 5000 parents and 2500 children found that by 10 years of age, most children will have had their first "facts of life" talk with their parents. Unsurprised, Tania says the talk should be ongoing from the time questions are asked.
"Children and young people need developmentally appropriate and honest sex education."
Sex education should meet the natural curiosity of children and young people with "honesty and fact". And it shouldn't just be focused on the nitty-gritty.
"It teaches about friendships, respect, good communication, choice, safety, responsibility, and consequences, as well as contraception and sexually transmitted infections when these are relevant."
She says with kids so exposed to sex through such a wide range of media, those topics can be used as a good excuse to prompt conversations.
"For example, depiction of unsafe or unhealthy behaviour can be challenged and discussed."
Some of the sex depicted can send young people unsafe messages.
"Withholding good information about sex and sexuality doesn't keep children safe, it just keeps them ignorant."
Some parents fear that honest sex education will cause young people to have sex. However she says research shows that when young people have had good-quality sex education they are more likely to delay sexual debut and more likely to use contraception and STI protection once sexually active.
"Talk about it. Don't make it a big deal."
Don't worryParenting Place family coach Jenny Hale agrees that parents shouldn't simply avoid the topic because it's too hard, or they're worried about what to say.
In fact, she thinks that making sex a taboo topic in a household is one of the biggest mistakes parents can make when it comes to talking to their kids about the facts of life.
Instead she agrees that it's a case of starting young, giving kids the information they need, and always being honest about the topic.
That, she says, starts from when they're pre-schoolers by using the correct terms for body parts.
Jenny says sex education can, and should, be done from an early age, building on it as a child's curiosity builds.
"It's really important to do it in steps if you can which is usually the way children learn best."
She says the little-by-little approach is much better than leaving it until there's no other option and having "the talk".
Knowing the information they're after is important, she says, and giving them enough to satisfy their curiosity without overwhelming them is a key.
"If it's a 4-year-old asking, do it in stages. Give them the stuff they need to know," Jenny says.
There comes a time when parents need to invite kids to have a full discussion. That's much easier done if it has been based on a foundation of openness and honesty, she says.
She suggests the concept of "the big weekend", when a parent plans a fun and exciting weekend away for their child. She's helped create a CD with this in mind, the aim being that the parent and child can listen to it together on the car journey.
"Particularly with boys, the shoulder to shoulder, rather than eyeball to eyeball, works better. Afterwards you can ask them if there are any other questions or anything else they want to ask."
Jenny believes parents should also be guided by their children's personalities.
"Some are gobsmacked."
Others, she says, take it in their stride and are quickly ready to move on to the next topic.
Either way she says getting in early - especially before school does - is a key.
"The best context [for the discussion] is in the family. Always want to get in before the school as that's not necessarily the place for values, context about love etc. It's more likely to be biological with a big play on safety."
It's no secret that kids discuss sex - to varying degrees - at school and says it's important for them to know they can always come home and talk through anything that confuses them or that they're unsure of.
"You want to lay a foundation for them feeling they are invited to bring up their questions."
While somewhat idealistic, Jenny says it's always good for parents to be prepared for the inevitable questions - as they will come. Researching online for tips and finding good books on the topics before they arise can be helpful.
For more advice you can go to www.theparentingplace.com.